Since it was recently Eating Disorder Awareness Week, I think it’s a good time to make a list of what not to say to someone struggling with an eating disorder currently, or in the past. All of these things have been said to me as someone who has struggled with Anorexia for almost three years now, and even if someone had good intentions saying these things, they stuck with me in a very negative way while trying to recover.Â
I understand that being told that someone you know has an eating disorder can be an awkward and uncomfortable conversation, but being supportive and careful with your words can be more helpful to that person than you may realize. (FYI: These will mostly apply to talking to someone with anorexia, but can also apply to other disorders.)
PSA: I am not a professional, just someone who has experienced this, so please consult professionals as well when dealing with these situations.
- “You look fine though!” – Telling someone who most likely has body dysmorphia that they look fine can be very hurtful as they most likely do not feel fine physically, and mentally. Eating disorders do not necessarily mean that someone is as skinny as possible, so just because you cannot see obvious external signs does not mean that they are not struggling.
- “Why don’t you just eat?” – The amount of times I have heard this… Just eating is not a complete solution to a mental and physical disorder that prevents someone from eating enough to be stable, it requires a lot of mental work. The “Eating Disorder Voice” as it is called by some doctors, is almost like a completely different voice in your brain telling you to eat less, eat more, purge what you just ate and so many negative things about your body and eating habits. Trust me, this “Eating Disorder Voice” is probably louder than you telling someone to “just eat”.
- “I wish I had that problem.” – This completely invalidates someone’s struggle by saying that just because they look a certain way, this deadly disease is a good thing. Current media praises people who are skinnier than is healthy, and we need to fight against this narrative. Having a healthy amount of fat on your body is necessary for your body to function, so striving for getting rid of all of that good fat is a very dangerous mindset.
- “You’re doing this to yourself, just eat.” Sure… technically it is my brain and body doing this and making me unhealthy, but there are many external factors to eating disorders as well. Seeing socially “perfect” bodies on social media being praised can be very unhealthy, especially for people who are still growing up and can’t grasp the full effect of this on their mental health. People can also develop issues from bullying, other mental health disorders like depression, OCD, and anxiety, and many other things. If you wouldn’t tell someone with any other disease that it’s “their fault” don’t tell someone who is dealing with an eating disorder.
Now let’s get to some helpful things to say to people dealing with eating disorders!
- “I’m sorry that you are dealing with this, if you need someone to talk to, I’m here for you.” This shows your support without giving your own opinion on their body or health. Sometimes getting things out in the open and letting someone vent to you about their struggles can be much more helpful than giving unsolicited advice, even if you have good intentions.Â
- “I’m sorry that you are dealing with this, I have struggled with this as well and I don’t know if I am in a good place to hear about your experience, but know that I am supporting you.” If you are also someone who has dealt with an eating disorder and talking about it is triggering to you, it is completely okay to set that boundary. You can maybe suggest a source that helped you, but don’t feel pressure to hear about everything that they do because of their eating disorder if that will cause an issue with your own recovery and mental health.
- “If you ever need someone to just sit and eat with you, let me know. No pressure either way!” Sometimes just having someone with me while I was struggling was a good distraction from the fact that I was eating. Of course this isn’t helpful for everyone, so just letting them know that you are there for them, but they don’t need to take you up on it is very supportive while giving them space to decide what is best for them.
Just know that your weight does not lessen or increase your value as a person. People who truly care about you love you for who you are, not the way your body looks. It’s easy to get embarrassed or nervous when talking about your eating disorder to other people, but recovery should not be shameful.Â
If someone comes to you and tells you that they are struggling with this, it means that they are comfortable enough to tell you and what you respond means a lot. It’s okay to not have the perfect response, and we all slip up when having serious conversations like this, but taking accountability and trying to improve shows the person struggling how much you care. Recovery is not linear so understand that this person will have setbacks, and just offer your support when things get worse and get better.
There are also many different kinds of eating disorders so it’s beneficial to educate yourself on them so you know what you can do to help, if that’s what someone wants.
Resources with more information:
Educate Yourself:Â
Eating Disorder Hotline:
https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/treatment-for-eating-disorders/eating-disorder-hotlines
Mental Health Hotline:
https://mentalhealthhotline.org/eating-disorder-hotline/Â
Find Recovery Programs Near You:Â