There are people who have gone through life knowing that they had a different way of learning, and different brain chemistry, and they knew why. Then there is me, someone who never really took the time to figure out why learning was sometimes so difficult, and other times so simple. Now that I am nearing the end of my sophomore year of college, my doctor just informed me that I struggle with the attention-deficit aspect of ADHD. With this new information, and a sigh of relief that I have answers, I need to try and change my mindset and be kinder to myself.
When I was in high school, I never really struggled to focus and get things done, I just simply did it. Yes I would get distracted, but it was very easy to get myself back on track and get my stuff done. I rarely even had to study for tests, I would just be able to memorize something and get a really high grade on most things. When I look back and think about this, I never really learned as much as I thought, because my brain was so occupied with simply memorizing the information until I took the test, then it practically slipped away. Ever since I have been in college, by brain fog and attention/focus seemed to be getting worse by the day. It takes me hours to complete tasks that used to be very simple to me, and I simply cannot just sit down and do something. When I would find the motivation to sit down and do my work, there was just nothing in my brain. Everything took twice as much brainpower and effort and it was exhausting. I also had the rude awakening in college that I do need to study for exams, which then resulted in not knowing the most productive way to teach myself the material effectively. It was also really unsettling to figure out that I can study for hours on end, and when I walk in to take the exam, my brain suddenly forgets anything and everything. Someone gets up to turn in their exam, I’m distracted. A leaf blows by the window, I am distracted. A cough, a sneeze, a door opening, even just a pencil clicking became distracting, I seemed to become overly aware of everything.
At first I wasn’t really sure what was going on, I thought I was just experiencing a mix of stress, anxiety, and depression which was resulting in being extremely overwhelmed. I would become so stressed and anxious about the work I had to do, that sometimes I wouldn’t even be able to do it, which resulted in me being upset with myself. This created a really degrading cycle, that resulted in a lot of negative thoughts and thinking I wasn’t good enough for college. Everything I tried wouldn’t work for a long period of time; changing the location where I did homework, different study methods, working with music versus no music, basically anything you can think of. At first I was able to get all of my work done, until eventually I would be turning assignments in days late, which is extremely out of character for me. I realized that I can sit through an entire class actively listening, and walk out of it realizing I actually retained nothing. In contrast, I would sit through class doing everything else besides listening because I could not focus on the professor for the life of me. In one of my classes in particular, I physically cannot get a single thing done. Watching a video and taking notes = I have no clue what I just heard and watched. Having to read my textbook = stuck on the first paragraph for the entire class time because I cannot focus. Forming any type of educational thought = nope, that just wasn’t possible.
4 semesters later, it turns out I actually struggle with the attention-deficit disorder aspect of ADHD, and that is okay. The sigh of relief I experienced when I heard this was crazy, it was so refreshing to finally have an answer! Now that I know this, I was also prescribed a medication that I can take that acts as a stimulant to help me focus. As someone who is also on Wellbutrin for my anxiety, depression, and OCD, I completely understand that taking a medication does not make the issue go away. It is all about how you handle your mental health, and what you do to better understand it. I am actively in weekly therapy where I am learning how to manage my anxiety and stress in particular, but it is a long process. Unfortunately my mental health struggles will be with me for the rest of my life, but it is all about how I manage them that will decide how they impact me.
There are many coping skills I am learning to help retrain my brain, and teach it that it is okay to not be hyper-vigilant all the time. I have started journaling, learning breathing exercises, I wear fidget rings, and I always have a fidget toy on me. All of these things are helping me a lot, but obviously I still struggle with anxiety on a daily basis, and I am still working through not avoiding my feelings and processing them in a healthy way.
When it comes to my depression, and ADHD, it is really hard to rewire my brain. I am someone who is always so caring, supportive, and encouraging when it comes to other people, but am extremely mean to myself even if I am in the same situation. When it becomes you in the situation, it does become a lot harder to be nice to yourself and change how you think about things, but you have to start somewhere. Some small things I do to try and rewire my brain, is not jumping to negative conclusions right away. For example, being stressed over an exam does not mean that I am going to fail out of school, that is simply just not reasonable. Instead, I have to keep telling myself that my grades don’t define me. Yes, if I put a lot of time and effort into studying for an exam, I want to do good. First, I need to not set my expectations so high, because no one is perfect, and college exams are extremely hard! As long as I am confident in what I know, I will get a decent grade!
Another thing that I am working on changing, is I make to-do lists that are manageable. I tend to make the mistake of writing a to-do list with every task possible and then wonder why I get upset when I don’t get them all done. The answer is simple, I am making the list unmanageable, yet telling myself it is manageable, which in turn resulted in setting myself up for failure and being upset with myself. Long to-do lists may still come up, because sometimes everything manages to be due within the same week. But I need to take it one thing at a time, and telling myself that it will get done in its time. It is okay to hope to get certain things done on certain days, but I need to be more compassionate with myself. Yes I might not have gotten that task done, but look at everything else I did!
One last thing I am working on to change my negative mindset, is to be patient with myself, and to take breaks. Not everyday is going to be the most productive day, and that is okay. I tend to fall into this cycle of feeling really guilty if I am not doing work, but everyone’s brain needs breaks. I need to give myself breaks to recharge, and I need to be making sure I am fueling my brain. There is only so much I can do and handle at once, and I need to learn what my threshold is so that I stop pushing myself too far. There is no need to keep pushing myself when the only result will be something that is not productive; a breakdown, shutting down, becoming burnt out, etc. I have recently starting do the Pomodoro Studying Technique, which is where I study for about 25 minutes, and then take a 5 minute break. During this break I try to grab a snack, or just get up and wake my brain back up. Sometimes getting back into my work after that small break is hard, but again, I am learning to be patient with myself. Something else I have started doing, is working on one assignment until I need a break, and then I switch to something else. This allows me to stay productive while still giving my brain that much needed break.
Now I am no professional, and rewiring my brain to not fall into its endless, negative cycle, is extremely challenging. Everyday is different, and I do not have good days all the time. Another aspect of changing my mindset, is being okay with that. As much as I would love to be productive everyday and constantly be doing homework, that isn’t applicable for me, my brain needs to simply relax because it’s been in overdrive for so long. If you are someone who is also struggling with some of the things I mentioned, I will always recommend speaking to a therapist and/or your doctor if that is something you are interested in, if not, that is perfectly okay too. One of the biggest things is learning how to rewire your brain, and being more empathetic and patient with yourself. This is not going to happen over night, and some days may be worse than others, but just remember that everything is going to be okay. You are good enough, and smart enough for college, you are a great friend and person, and your mental health does not define or control you!