One thing that I think that I am really bad at and need to work on is thinking at night. Tonight I went to Walmart, watched Netflix, and then right before bed, listened to music. This was a huge thing for me because all week I’ve spent from 9 am – 11 pm doing classwork and homework. I have had no time to myself and I need to help myself and my mental health out. With that being said, I think most at night. This is about everything though, not just what is bothering me. I’ll go from “I have to make a note to remind myself this and oh yeah, I wonder if I owe on my credit card. Speaking of credit cards I should close that account. Oh and I should call my doctor for a refill also. Make that a note as well.” This is an exact thing I thought about yesterday in the exact order. The only time I have to myself is at night so I think that is when I spend the most time with my thoughts.
Today though, I got to really get into them so I think that I can finally go to sleep when I want to. The past couple of nights I’ve left no time for myself so I’ve been staying up since 2 am or 4 am and it’s really been hurting my energy level. I think that this really showed the importance of sleep and self-care to me. I am a giver. I give love, advice, help, smiles, laughs, but I don’t take (or try not to). BUT I treated myself to a printer today (lol) so I’d say I’m doing good for myself because I also treated myself to a shopping binge the other day for some new clothes. I want to start focusing on the end though. The end of my college career as an undergrad is coming FAST and I don’t have a plan yet. I need to make a plan and make a direction in which I want to pursue so that I can start searching for what’s next.
I hope I don’t feel this way alone. I feel like everyone goes into college thinking that they are going to come straight from high school, spend four years in college, and then go straight to where they want to be. I have found that this is not always it. I found that I never really looked at other options or thought about “what if I didn’t get to do what I wanted to do”. Should I give up? Should I find another path? I’m not really sure what the answer is or what the path is yet but I’m working forward to find it. What I do know is that it’s OK to not do what you’ve planned on doing for so long because change can be good and you change as a person means that you may not want to do the same thing that you wanted to do previously.
As you can see my thoughts really are everywhere and anywhere. This shows how much thinking can impact everything. I didn’t know that I wouldn’t know my path as a college senior. I didn’t know that I would be so scared. What I do know is that I have big plans and a great future in the process of starting. My thoughts tonight may be different than my thoughts tomorrow but these are the thoughts in the now.