It is not new for me to mention my health in articles I write on here. In fact, I have gone into many details regarding my mental health and my anorexia, even going into detail about my relapses. But something that recently took place made me take a step back and really think about myself and my worth.
That something came in the form of a breast lump.
As soon as I noticed this pea-sized lump, I felt my blood run cold. I had never been more terrified of anything in my life. It was the first day of October (Breast Cancer Awareness Month, no less), and I remember immediately crying.
My mom, as usual, shrugged it off. My friends tried to ease my worries, as did my boyfriend, but I was still terrified. No one in my family had breast cancer before and I felt too young. I was inconsolable, even if I had no actual answer on what this lump was.
When I went to my family doctor, she told me it was most likely an infected lymph node or a cyst. That did not matter to me. If I did not have an actual set in stone answer, I would only fear the worst. So a mammogram and ultrasound were scheduled. At this point, I was too scared to even look at the lump or to touch it. I hated thinking about it.
As I agonized over the lump and the pending date for getting tested, I thought about my other health problems. If it was cancer, I would get much weaker from chemotherapy. My anorexia made me weak enough- how would I be able to function?
Then there was my constant anxiety. This cancer scare was just making it worse. I was falling into shambles. That is when I came to a conclusion.
Whether or not it was cancer, I needed to fix myself. I needed to fight this anorexia harder. I could not let myself continue to fall into despair and weaken worse every day.
I had tried giving myself incentives in order to fight my eating disorder before, but this was the time I actually felt like I had to really fight. Every time I wanted to over-exercise or skip a meal, I needed to remind myself that I was damaging my already weak body. Even if my lump was not cancerous, I needed to think about how hard those suffering from cancer had to fight in order not to feel weak.
I told myself I was going to get better, someway, and somehow.
Since this realization, I have had my testing done, but I am still awaiting results. No matter what this lump turns out to be, I am going to fight and save my health. This scare helped push me forward. I can get through this, I just need to really try.