January 2018 though July 2018 were some of the darkest, scariest, numbing, lonely, exhausting, miserable, and despairing time of my life. It felt like going down a pitch-black tunnel for no special reason, searching for the light at the end, getting glimpses of light and then it disappearing.
Depression hit me like a train over the summer. One of the biggest causes of it was a toxic relationship. Depression to me was a giant wake up call. I learned to never let someone be the source of your happiness. I picked myself up and I’m starting to be happy alone. It’s a wonderful thing. The past two months of my life have been the best I’ve been since a year ago. As crazy and stupid as it sounds, I am so extremely grateful for this toxic relationship. I knew I was going through this struggle for a reason, so instead of dwelling on it, I forever will look out the brighter side of things.
Don’t get me wrong. I still struggle with depression and anxiety. I still don’t really talk to my friends and I still keep to myself most of the time, but hitting rock bottom opened my eyes. It showed me who was truly here for me and cared about me. It forced me to be grateful for things that cause you pain because if it was not for that pain I went through trying to fix things, I wouldn’t have the assurance that I removed a toxic person from my life (and be darn sure of it). It showed me that I was and am good enough. It showed me that you have to guard at least a tiny bit of your heart before you just hand it to anybody. It showed me how a guy should treat me. He should not force you to do things. He should not make you feel like you are not good enough. He should not make you feel like it’s hard to love you. It showed me that I am a wonderful, independent, and a smart woman.
Hitting rock bottom made me happy. I look back at the situations and thoughts I was having and see that I’m not that bad and I’m so much better now. I look in the mirror and I see a strong woman. Take me back five months and I would have been looking in the mirror, bawling, eyes swollen, wondering why I was never good enough for anyone. I have grown so much and I couldn’t be more thankful. I learned that it’s okay to have fun because I’m young. I’m so excited to know that I still have so much growing to do and I’m going to be ten times happier than I am now.
So, here’s to hitting rock bottom!
“There comes a time when you have to let everything fall apart. When you have to stop fighting for a life you’ve outgrown and trust that you will be okay, even if you can’t see how right now. For a while everything may feel messy and hard, and you may feel scared and lost. Embrace the fear. Embrace the uncertainty. Embrace the loss. The dark tunnel of change leads to the light of possibility, but first you have to go through it.”
– Lori Deschene
(Photo Credit Andre Furtado)