Spoiler alert––it turns out I was the problem. At the beginning of college, I was in a honeymoon phase where I had this whole big friend group and got to know everyone around me, but we all know how that goes. That big friend group that had its typical falling out as those freshman friend groups typically do. That was okay with me at the time, I didn’t even like them that much. It seemed that the social butterfly moment of my freshman year was incredibly short lived and I soon began my reality of being what all college students experience at one point or another; a floater.
I do try to give myself at least a little bit of credit where I can; I was involved in a few clubs, but they weren’t the best fit. I tried to fill the void of musical theatre with a cappella, but came to find out they’re completely different worlds. Truth be told, I was just far too much of a diva for that space. Musicals were at a completely different caliber and it wasn’t nearly as fulfilling. I’m always down for trying new things but there were some things that I put my time and money into that were not me at all. Like a film frat––I thought it would be a nice way to make friends, but come on Simona, you don’t even like movies!
In late October of my sophomore year, I learned the harsh reality about college that nobody really talks about––it can be really lonely if you don’t prioritize putting yourself out there and making friends. Even after a whole year, I was still really struggling to find my place and feel at home. It came to a point where I was genuinely considering giving up and leaving Ithaca College completely.
Thanksgiving rolled around and I had done some really hard reflecting and came to realize I’d been missing what was right in front of me. All this time I had felt so exhausted and miserable because I had been trying to be someone I was not and had been investing my time and energy into people who did not value me for who I was. Once I had this revelation, I was left with the reality that I actually had more than enough time to involve myself in everything I was interested in. It had always really been more about making the correct choices for how I want to spend my own time and energy rather than not having the motivation for everything I was choosing to be involved in. Once I decided to start surrounding myself with people I could be my authentic self around, everything changed and I was actually happy to be where I was.
At the end of the semester I was really bummed that I had to leave so soon and wouldn’t be back until the next fall. I had plans to go abroad that I was never fully emotionally invested in. Unfortunately I was financially invested so when I went home for winter break, all my mom had to do was mention that one dreaded word––London. And then came the meltdown. After many discussions (too many discussions honestly) and some other personal matters that you don’t need to know about, I came back to Ithaca College.
Funny side note, I was babysitting the night before I left and after the kids went to sleep I was left alone with my thoughts and then came meltdown number 2. I made the mistake of leaving the bathroom door open and the boy I was watching woke up because he wanted some water. I tried to pretend I wasn’t crying and yet he goes “It’s okay, I’ve seen my mom cry. Let it out.” Wise words from a 4 year-old-boy. I’ve never laughed so hard in my life. I went downstairs and told his sister how he made me laugh and she said “I know you’re nervous but you are awesome and the right people will know that.” What I conclude from this story is that I am not smarter or wiser than a 5th grader, or a 2nd grader, or even a preschooler.
She was absolutely right. It’s now the end of the semester, and I’m happy to say that since coming back I’ve done pretty much everything I said I’d wanted to do. I put myself out there, furthered my older relationships, and even made new friends! Most of all, it feels really good to prove myself right.
Being a floater is such a normal experience and friend groups absolutely don’t have to be your thing! Understand that not everyone is going to like you, nor do they have to. With that being said, I cannot emphasize the importance of being the most true and authentic version of yourself and prioritizing YOU!
I hope what can be taken away from my vulnerability and sharing my story is that making a change doesn’t happen overnight by any means, but if you have faith in yourself you never quite know what you’re capable of!