For the longest time while I was growing up. I had this heavy feeling of being so “other” and never truly understanding why I was struggling. Not gonna lie, this was quite the kerfuffle on a girl’s self-confidence. That was until I met Diane. We met when I was her daughter’s camp counselor and we were chatting about something her daughter had experienced. I then expressed that I related to her back when I was a child. That sparked the golden question “Are you sure you don’t have ADHD?” I had been wondering the same damn thing. So I brought it up to my therapist.
“Billy, I think I might have ADHD.”
“I have PLENTY of reason to believe you have ADHD.” We did the evaluation to determine whether or not this was the case… Whoomp, there it is! ADHD indeed. Having this diagnosis has not been the “end all be all” solution to my difficulties HOWEVER, it has given me the tools to navigate through these instances.
When it comes to school I’ve never exactly considered myself to be an academic weapon. So, as a survival skill, I just did my best to just get by. Math for example, was a battle and a half. One time I had gotten a concussion in the 6th grade; my doctor was clearing me and started asking me multiplication questions. My dad cut in and enlightened my beloved primary care physician that math wasn’t ever really my thing. As a result of my supposed “incompetence,” I’d always felt the need to overcompensate and charm people around me with my personality so they wouldn’t think of me as a total dud.
I really do tend to struggle with time management and focusing, so receiving accommodations for school has truly been a blessing. It’s also been so reassuring to be able to have a mutual understanding between professors and I about the fact that my out-of-sight, out-of-mind habits are not done intentionally. I really do care about doing well in school. There are just some things I am better at, and there are other things that I need an extra push and guidance with getting done and coming to a better understanding of what’s expected of me.
My struggle with picking things up as quickly as those around me can often be misunderstood as laziness or indifference from my peers. The truth is, I am simply incredibly overwhelmed and overthinking my responsibilities at hand. This especially happens during group work. I really hate the idea of letting the people around me down.
I won’t lie — sometimes I let that get to me. I question my value, my worth, my intelligence, hell I question it all. I really struggle with rejection sensitivity, and when I say I overthink, I really mean it. It could be sunshine and rainbows outside, and I’d somehow convince myself there’s a monsoon right before my eyes. It just gets so tough to feel like everyone around you is doubting you. That may not be the case, but it’s all a matter of how kind you are to yourself. The thing that keeps me grounded is when I recognize what I do bring to the table instead of the things that make me feel like a total ass about myself. For example, working with kids is sure as hell the kind of thing that a lot of people are TERRIBLE at, and yet that’s where I tend to shine. This isn’t self-proclaimed, though if you don’t believe me ask Diane, “I hope that you will always be working with kids — because you have an amazing read on what’s happening for them.”
My sensitivity is my strength. My willingness to have an open heart and be so empathetic holds so much power. “Girl. You have an amazing brain. You read a room like no other person. The world needs you. You and your deeply feeling empathetic room reading highly sensitive brain.” Also from Diane. The moral of the story is that Diane is always right. No, really, the true point I am trying to get across is the importance of embracing who the f*ck you are. In life, you may be misunderstood and underestimated, and you may overthink and complicate a sneeze for yourself. Regardless, nobody can ever take away the charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent you possess within being the most authentic and unapologetic version of yourself. And YES! I have been watching RuPaul’s Drag Race. Whether you are neurodivergent or neurotypical, I truly hope the honesty and vulnerability I am sharing today is a loving reminder of the uniquely beautiful human being you are and the beauty of embracing your uniqueness.
Show yourself some love!