This might be a little crazy to admit, but I’ve talked to myself for as long as I can remember. Not in the dramatic, movie monologue pep talk kind of way, but in the talking situations out before they happen kind of way. As the eldest daughter of three, self-talk wasn’t weird, just a part of life. When your parents are concerned with your other siblings and you’re Ms. independent, you learn early how to get advice from yourself.
Being the oldest daughter comes with a specific personality package: constant alertness, being a role model and the pressure of being composed. With younger siblings turning to you and parents relying on you, you start developing little conversations in your head. These can be tiny check-ins, reminders to breathe or setting up rewards, like getting boba after my homework was done.
At first, I didn’t think much of it. I figured everyone narrated their life as a companion when friends got overwhelming. But over time, these small conversations turned into something more comforting. They weren’t just reminders or jokes, but rather resets and tiny pockets of calm that I made for myself.
Growing up, I thought that independence was a default setting. I figured out homework alone, managed my emotions (until they exploded) and handled responsibilities before being asked. People praised how “mature” and “helpful” I was, but being helpful often meant I didn’t want to add to anyone else’s stress. I think also that I genuinely enjoyed being the person who could handle things, even if I occasionally wished someone else would do it first without being asked.
By the time I came to UIUC, I had developed a solid relationship with the person that was always going to be there … me. I liked my own company, laughed at my own jokes and gave advice to myself after overthinking. And yeah, sometimes I would catch myself talking out loud in the PAR dining hall or in the Main library. But who cares? Talking to myself made me braver. Having someone already who was my friend, I wasn’t that nervous to try new things. It helped me make new friends, say yes to different opportunities and ask for help.
Talking to yourself isn’t weird. It’s grounding and an excellent form of self-care. Plus, it’s basically having a best friend in your head, cheering you on.
Becoming my own best friend didn’t mean that I didn’t want people around me. Instead, it meant that I already had someone in my corner. This person gets my humor, knows my strengths and is always brutally honest.
One thing I’ve discovered so far? Some people go to college to “find themselves”. I showed up already having full conversations with mine.