The saying, “It gets worse before it gets better,” could not be truer when discussing my experience on Accutane. For those of you who may not be familiar with Accutane, it is an intense medication used for treating acne. In recent years, I have noticed that Accutane has become more popularly known thanks to apps such as Tik Tok. I have seen people sharing videos with photos throughout their journey, alongside tips and tricks to survive the medication. It has been reassuring to see others who can relate to what it is like to be on the medication. Although, I cannot help but to think back to my fifteen-year-old self and wish that someone would have been more honest with her about how Accutane would affect more than just her skin.
“You may experience lower back pain, severe flareups in your acne, excessive dryness, headaches, blah blah blah”. This was only the beginning of the list of side effects I was told were possible when taking this pill. Not to mention, I was encouraged to go on two types of birth control or sign a “contract” promising my abstinence while using this medication due to the severe birth defects it would cause to the fetus if I were to get pregnant. When I began Accutane, I was acknowledging these side effects, acknowledging I had to stay abstinent because I was not on birth control, and acknowledging that I would have to have blood drawn and take a pregnancy test once a month. Despite knowing these physical effects, I did not know the severity of them, nor how they would affect me mentally.
Now of course, my skin had never been perfect, hence why I was on this medication in the first place, but no one had told me how much worse it would get in the beginning. For the first four months, out of the eight months total I was taking this pill, my skin was the worst it had (and has) ever been in my life. There was no way to hide it. No amount of color correction and concealer could hide what felt like craters on my face. I hated leaving the house if I did not have to. I hated the dismissal I received from others, “No, no! Your skin is fine!” And above all else, I hated looking into the mirror. Despite all of this, I forced myself to push through. Aquaphor container after Aquaphor container, I pushed through. By months five and six, I noticed I had less areas I felt I needed to cover up and once months seven and eight came around, I finally felt comfortable leaving the house with no makeup on at all.
Now, after six years being off Accutane, I can honestly say it was worth it. I have never had any severe or large acne breakouts since being off the medication. Aside from the positive physical long-term effects, it also changed my mind set for the better. Since the first day I stopped taking Accutane, I promised I would never allow myself to feel like I needed makeup on before leaving the house again. Now, I only wear it when I want to or for special events, but never because I feel like I need it to be ‘pretty’. It can be difficult at times but I do my best to remind myself that my appearance does not determine my value or freedom.
So, to my younger self and to any other person on Accutane, it will be okay. Like anything, it will have its ups and downs but do not feel like you are not understood and that it won’t get better. Embrace the good, the bad, and the ugly, to get to the better.