Trigger Warning: Abuse
During quarantine, I finally had enough free time to force myself to watch the acclaimed show Euphoria. I mean, a show about a bunch of attractive high schoolers partying and dealing with tons of drama? Yes please! While I did love the show and thought it was wonderfully produced, I couldn’t help but notice an ever-so-common pop culture phenomenon. It’s the one where the female protagonist thinks that her love for her low-key abusive boyfriend will “change him” for the better. And to be totally honest, I wasn’t having it. Here’s some context: one of the main characters, Maddy, dates the equally hot yet toxic Nate. His screen time consists of black and white behavior where one second, he showers Maddy with affection, and the next he is physically abusing her anytime they face a conflict. Now correct me if I’m wrong, but that doesn’t really sound like the most glamorous relationship in the world. But somehow, our generation has developed a fascination with the trope of man who is against the rest of the world but has a sweet spot for his girl. However, his girlfriend usually tends to face the brunt of their anger and toxicity.
I am guilty of romanticizing this trope too, but let’s think about it this way. The media shows us an attractive, short-tempered man who doesn’t know how to resolve any issue without getting physical, even if it’s with his girlfriend. These examples cause us to believe that their abusive behaviors are acceptable, because hey, they’re hot and only doing it to protect their “love.” And the girl sticks around despite the bruises and arguing, because she knows that “deep down” he has a heart of gold. And if she’s lucky, her everlasting love for him will eventually change him down the road. Obviously if I was dating Jacob Elordi, it would be hard for me to turn him away, but that is my exact point. The media wraps these abusive, toxic, and destructive men in an appealing and sexy package, making us more likely to ignore problematic behaviors. Obviously, the characters in Euphoria are fake, but these patterns extend far beyond imaginary high schoolers on your television.
Abusers, especially in relationships, are not like the ones you see on Netflix. Women often find themselves in hopeless situations, being abused by their partners and convincing themselves that staying it is somehow worth it. Or even worse, they don’t have the option to leave even if they wanted to. Ever since I was young, I have always heard this common phrase: If a boy is mean to you, they probably like you. While playful banter in elementary school may be harmless, why are we telling young girls that boys will be mean to get their attention? Flash forward 10 years when that little girl is with a boyfriend who is abusive to her. She’ll just convince herself that he does love her. Obviously he loves me, he just shows it differently. He’ll change. I can fix him. The truth is no one can truly be fixed. Yes, if a person does love you, they will do everything they can to make you happy. But holding onto the false hope that an abusive partner will change at some random moment because you loved them enough is quite a reach.
We need to stop the romanticizing of unhealthy relationships, and it starts with nixing this “we can change him” mindset. Women have come so incredibly far in their fight for independence in so many aspects of society. But holding onto a trope that puts the mental and physical health of women at risk is setting us years back in this fight.
If you or someone you know is dealing with an abusive relationship, here are some resources below. Please know you are NOT alone.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE
The National Sexual Assault Hotline: 800-656-HOPE
Women Against Abuse: https://www.womenagainstabuse.org/
Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness: http://stoprelationshipabuse.org/