When I came back to campus a few weeks ago to start the new semester, I was relieved and optimistic. Over the winter break, I developed debilitating anxiety that only increased as the time at home went on. I thought getting back to my life at school would make it all go away.
Little did I know what was about to ensue: a weeks-long downward spiral of anxiety, stress, and emotional unpredictability. I was completely not myself: I became manic with anxiety over anything and was in a constant state of anxiety and tension that never left even when I was “relaxing”. The only break I had from these anxious feelings was in sleep. I would try to hide my tears or panic attacks that would erupt in classes just at the notion of having to speak or participate. I have always been an outgoing, confident person, who usually is the chattiest in every class. I cried every single day, over anything, everything, or nothing.
I knew I needed help when I was getting ready to go out with my friends one Saturday night. I couldn’t find a top that I felt good in and had a twenty-minute manic, anxious episode where I unloaded my entire drawer of going-out tops onto my bed. I rummaged through it in a panic, trying on and ripping off each one with tears in my eyes because I felt so ugly and on edge. Nothing could calm me down.
After that night, I contacted Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) and my class Dean to make some academic adjustments that would help ease the anxious reality I was in. Since then, little by little, it’s gotten much better. The anxiety isn’t completely gone; I still carry it with me through my days, but getting the help I need and strategies to work through the anxiety has completely changed my day-to-day. Specifically, using yoga, meditation, and writing down my thoughts at the end of each day has made it easier to process the anxiety that I’m feeling.
If you are struggling with something similar, know that there are people here on campus not only who can help you, but who want to help you. I’m not saying everything is black-and-white, nor that my anxiety has been replaced with sunshine and rainbows. Mental health problems are never so simple as just that. However, reaching out for help is a major first step. It’s a step loaded with fears, uncertainties, and doubts – am I blowing this out of proportion? Am I being dramatic? Do I really need therapy or do I just need to push through it? Women in general, and especially in such a rigorous academic environment as the one we live in, are so often encouraged to just push through everything. Through this, though, I have learned that you don’t always have to. For me, reaching out for help was terrifying, but the thought of continuing to exist in a constant state of breakdown and not recognizing my usual joyful, carefree self was scarier. If you’re reading this, I’m happy to give you the cliché, it does get better. It’s overused, but it’s overused because it’s true. While anxiety is something that may stay with me forever, I now have the power to manage it rather than letting it define my life or who I am as a person. I’m writing this as I stare up at my CAPS-issued squirrel stress ball on my desk, which I first gripped in my palm on the verge of a panic attack while in the waiting room for my first appointment. That silly squirrel reminds me of how far I’ve come, and that positive change is possible.
If you’re struggling, don’t keep it inside. Below is crucial information about how to get in touch with Counseling and Psychological Services (Hogan 207) directly from their site.
The Counseling & Psychological Services (CAPS) is open Monday through Friday, 9 a.m.-noon and 1-5 p.m. and can be reached by calling 508-793-3363.
• Urgent Care (Monday through Friday at 10 a.m. and 3 p.m.) is available for those in distress needing to be seen the same day. These are in-person meetings, requiring the proper use of masks, and may be scheduled by calling 508-793-3363.
• If you are in distress and need to speak with someone urgently, an on-call crisis counselor is available by telephone to any currently enrolled student, regardless of residential location, 24/7 by calling 855-418-7282.
• For additional information, please call CAPS at 508-793-3363.