My Dear, You Are Not Alone.

***Trigger Warning***

Sexual assault is detailed below.

*Names have been changed

Last week, the hashtag #MeToo was sent viral as millions of men and women shared their stories of sexual assault. This began as the allegations of sexual assault against Harvey Weinstein continued to increase, in hopes to bring awareness to just how prevalent sexual assault is. Since Alyssa Milano’s initial tweet on October 15,  hashtag #MeToo has been tweeted over 1.2 million times and mentioned on Facebook even more. Millions of both men and women have come forward as survivors and sharing their stories. For some, it can be triggering to see so many other stories of horrible assault. For others, it was in a sense reassuring. It shows many they are not alone in their suffering and pain, others have survived and they can too.

Many stories are full of hope. Almost all have a call for action. Do not ignore us. Do not allow rapists to walk free. Do not allow sexual assault to become the norm. 

If this doesn’t make your heart break… It is not a women’s issue or a men’s issues. It is not a Republican or Democrat issue. It is a human issue and only through education and awareness can we stop sexual assault. No human should ever have to experience this. Yet, 1 in 5 women will.

I am 1 in 5. 

I woke up to a beautiful Sunday morning July 16, 2017 excited to spend the last day with my friend Matt* before we were off to college. Matt and I had been friends all through high school. He had been with a girl for a while, but recently things had ended because we were all going off do different colleges. I had just broken up with his best friend and we were just going to have a fun day and forget about our exes. My family was out of town, so he was meeting me at my place and we were going to movie marathon our favorite movies. 

Maybe I was too naive. Maybe I should’ve known that a movie marathon was code for sex. Maybe I should’ve known, but it is not my fault I didn’t. I had never had any issue with this guy before, we had been friends for four years. 

Photo by: Kat Jayne 

We were sitting on the couch, watching a movie and just talking as friends do. Excitement for college, frustration about exes, complaints about the heat… I noticed he kept getting closer and closer to me. I moved to an armchair because I like my personal space, and was starting to get uncomfortable. So, he came and sat on me. 

I realize now this is when I should have stopped. I should’ve removed myself from the situation and made him leave. Hindsight is always 20/20. However, I never would’ve guessed what happened next, could’ve ever happened. 

I moved again and he sat directly next to me on my left side. He started making advances, touching my leg, playing with the hem of my shirt and tickling me; I kept pushing him away. I told him to stop and he didn’t. He started kissing my neck, my cheek, trying to get to my mouth. I remember straining my neck to the right trying to dodge him as he started to get on top of me. I told him again to stop, I turned and faced him to push him away, and he kissed me full on the mouth and I felt the vomit come to my throat.

Matt was an athlete. He was going to college to play football. He was a big guy and I am not big or strong. I couldn’t fight him. He pushed me on my back, and I was laying halfway off the couch. My memory becomes very blurred at this point. I shut down as my power, my control, and my humanity was taken from me. 

Over the course of the next hour, he assaulted me, hit me, flipped me around and used me. He finished with his hands around my neck, as I was writhing in pain, struggling for air. Throughout the assault he was talking to me, I just don’t remember anything he said until he was done. His words to me were, “I hope you had fun”.

I remember everything crystal clear after those words. 

I knew I needed him to leave but I was terrified. My brain kicked in and said get him out. Do whatever you have to do to get him out. I croaked to him that I would get him a towel to clean up with, and then he should go because I had plans later. He didn’t fight me here. He left quickly and as soon as the door closed I fell to the ground sobbing. 

I didn’t feel any pain until the next day. I was covered in bruises and it hurt to use the bathroom for over a week. I didn’t sleep for weeks and even now sometimes I wake up gasping for air and I can feel his hands on my neck, his breath on my ear as he whispers, “I hope you had fun”. 

Photo by: John Rocha

I didn’t press charges. I was, and still am, scared. He got away with it. He walked out that door and I never saw or heard from him again. He went off to college, got back with his girlfriend and is living a normal life. I will have the scars forever. He took everything from me. My trust, confidence, friendship and my body. He took advantage of me and walked away. 

I don’t want you to remember me by this horrific incident. The important part of this story is that I, along with millions of others, survived. I survived and I refuse to let him win. He has no power over me. Thanks to the millions of others out there who came out with their stories and refused to be scared, I am able to tell my story. To remind another lost, scared girl out there that you, my dear, are not alone. I’m not alone. Eventually, we can find strength and peace together. 

#MeToo

If you need help or information visit:

https://www.rainn.org/get-help

• awareness
• Me Too
• prevention
• sexual assault