Ruth, 26, graduated as a Bachelor of Arts from University of Helsinki two years ago but instead of continuing her studies towards a master’s degree or moving on to work life, she wanted to do something else. Now she has a 16-month-old son, Noah, and is a full-time stay-at-home mom.
Have you always wanted to become a stay-at-home mom?
I’ve always known that I wanted a family but when I was a child I didn’t even know that mothers could stay home with their children since all the mothers I knew were working. Also, my parents have always been very education-oriented and wanted me to go to university and do something meaningful. I didn’t really feel like being a “mom” was an appropriate career plan. Actually, when I was a child I wanted to become a singer or an actress but I wasn’t exactly encouraged to do that so when I was around six I figured that if I became a teacher I would have a lot of time to spend with my family and children with the long holidays and everything. Of course, I didn’t even know at the time what a teacher’s job was like in reality, but somehow even at that early age my life was kind of planned out and even when I got older I never second-guessed that. So when it was time to apply for university, and I had to choose between acting-school and teacher-studies, I kind of wanted to do the right thing, chose the latter and started to study English Philology to become an English teacher.
Around the same time when I got into university, I became interested in vintage and 1950’s style. That’s when I realized for the first time that, at some point, it had been an acceptable career choice to stay at home with your children and that it still was that in the US and some other countries, even if it was not that common in Finland anymore. It really inspired me and I started to think that it would be a lovely idea and maybe a good option for me, too, as I had always felt bad about the thought of having kids and then putting them to day-care for someone else to raise. We always wanted to have kids with my then fiancé, now husband, so that’s when I discussed with him about the idea of me staying home with the kids until they went to school and we agreed that it was a great one. At the time, however, I was still thinking of finishing my studies and working as a teacher when our kids would go to school.
In my third year at the university I started my teacher-studies. I didn’t have any teaching experience before that and it was kind of a shock to realize that the job that I’d always wanted to do was nothing like I thought it was and that it wasn’t my thing after all. At the same time we got married and started planning having a family. Soon I became pregnant and I got my BA just a few months before I gave birth to Noah.
Now that I’m home with him I am really happy and content. If our finances allow, I’m going to stay home even after he starts school and lately my husband and I have also discussed a possibility of me homeschooling Noah.
Nowadays when most women want to have both a career and a family your choice of being a stay-at-home mom is not very common. How do people react when you tell them that you’re a full-time mom? During your studies, did you find it difficult to identify with other students? After all, you also had your son fairly young, when you were 24 and still studying.
Well, when I told my parents that I was pregnant, they weren’t very pleased. They were worried because my studies would have to go on a break and when I told them that I was going to stay at home they were in denial for quite a while. My dad actually still keeps asking when I’m going to finish my studies and tells everyone that her daughter is an English teacher, even though I’ve never even worked as one.
At times I would get funny looks from other students when I told them about my plans and sometimes I felt that they didn’t quite understand my choice. When discussing the topic in general, some people had harsh opinions on how they didn’t think that stay-at-home moms should get a higher-education. I think many people see stay-at-home moms as somewhat simple-minded. That’s also why it’s nice that I have my degree, so I can prove them wrong and show that stay-at-home moms can be educated, too.
So do you ever feel that you’ve somehow “wasted” your education or that your degree was for nothing?
I don’t know. At times I feel like I should have maybe studied something I liked more, even though it was nice to study English. But who knows, the teachers studies I also did might come in handy if I do homeschool Noah – even though the methods are really different. I did learn a lot during my studies and I love writing, particularly in English, and maybe want to publish a book one day, so studying English literature was definitely useful.
Do you have any career dreams anymore or do you feel like being a stay-at-home mom is your true calling?
I really don’t think I want to be a teacher. I love writing, though, and I would love to write books someday. When Noah is older, I’d also like to get involved in some kind of voluntary work. Right now, however, I’m really happy with just staying home and being with my family. All I want is my children to be able to say that I was a good mom and my husband to say I was a good wife. I don’t need more than that.
It seems like you have quite traditional values.
Yes, my husband and I both do. I’m a very girly girl and he’s a very manly man so I think we make a good match. While he goes to work, and also takes care of the more traditionally manly chores like mowing the lawn or fixing the car, and, you know, killing the spiders, I take care of the house and cook dinner and do laundry and change the baby’s diapers. But at the same time, we’re still equals and he helps me and I help him and in the weekends when we’re both home, we both take care of Noah just as much. Sometimes people who call themselves feminists criticize me but I think that the original point of feminism was that women should be able to do what they want. And what I want to do is stay home with my family. I think that I can be both a stay-at-home mom and a feminist. Even though I decided to stay home with my children doesn’t mean that I don’t appreciate women who want to have both a career and kids, though. I think it’s great if a woman wants to become a lawyer or a doctor! And I get that it can get boring to stay home with the kids. It’s not for everyone. I also think it’s good that more men are staying home with their children. That just wouldn’t work for our family since I’m the one who really enjoys staying home and my husband, on the other hand, loves his job. I think everyone should do what they feel is best for themselves and their family.
What’s your typical day like?
With only one young child my days are fairly easy. My husband leaves early in the morning and I wake up around the same time to have coffee and read the paper. When Noah wakes up around 7.30 we have breakfast and after that we usually go out to a park or a music school and things like that. Around noon we come home and have lunch and then Noah naps for two hours. While he’s sleeping I’ll have a cup of tea, clean up after lunch and do household chores. In the afternoon when Noah wakes up he first has a little snack and then we usually play indoors, read books, watch TV and I teach him stuff. When he plays by himself I can do laundry and start cooking dinner which we’ll eat when my husband comes from work at 5.30. After dinner I clean up while Noah plays with daddy and then we all play together and talk about our day. Around 8pm Noah will have his bath and a snack and then we’ll put him to bed. After that my husband and I spend time together, watch TV or do our own things before we go to bed. We actually live quite a simple life and especially now that Noah is still so little it’s still mostly me taking care of him but as he grows up and learns to talk we can do more and more things together.
So what’s the best thing about being a stay-at-home mom?
Many might feel differently but for me staying home with Noah is very peaceful. There’s no hurry and no stress. Most of the days we don’t have to go anywhere if we don’t feel like it. I also like to do home-related things like cleaning and sewing. And of course I get to spend every day with my favorite person in the world – my son.