Since entering university, I haven’t been able to shake off the uneasiness I get before giving a presentation, and when it’s been a while, even short speaking turns ignite a quickening heartbeat enough to cause overwhelm for the rest of the day. This and the last semester were a little different, as now those turns are happening on Zoom or as recordings for example; but I’ve noticed that even if I can turn the camera off or record in my own solitude, I still haven’t adopted the confidence or the care-free attitude needed for a smooth and interactive course experience. This semester, I’m taking a course on communication, so I was inspired to think about the levels of performance anxiety and the questions surrounding it.
This kind of anxiety most of us have experienced: the jitters, sweaty hands, the inability to focus or put our thoughts into words, flushed cheeks, the before, during, and after embarrassment. Everything may be alright when practicing, but for some reason, it all turns south when facing others. I’ve noticed that when studying foreign languages my enunciation flows right when I’m alone, but on a bad day becomes fragile and prone to mistakes in the classroom. The possible reasons as to why are infinite, but the one with the most weight is definitely not wanting to make a mistake. This is extremely harmful, and especially foolish when trying to learn another language. The end goal for most people isn’t reciting famous poems from a scratch after all, but rather something humble, like being able to buy bread at the market or discuss the weather with friends. So, why is this striving for perfection swallowing such an enormous part of my capacity and excitement to learn?
The guess is that sometime in my childhood or as a teenager I felt like it wasn’t safe to express my opinion. I believe this to be the case for many kids out there; sometimes it is the other kids that make one feel so, sometimes it is the lack of openness in a family. Showing emotions remains taboo in many cultures and is an actual character trait of a Finnish home. While it is a rather commonly occurring situation, it can become a serious problem if one doesn’t receive the tools to deal with emotional stress – and its origins. And the older one gets, the more difficult unlearning any harmful ways of thinking may become.
Since all kinds of performing has been giving me anxiety these days, whether it is producing an essay, expressing my thoughts on a Zoom call, or, say, writing an article about a meaningful subject for an online magazine, (which I, for the record, always enjoy in the end!) I don’t have the answers. However, if I think about it in a simple way, the deeper desire behind these worries is evident. Like everyone, I want to feel a sense of belonging. It’s essential to learn how to see oneself in the same light as others, as an ordinary human whose thoughts are as valid as anyone else’s. The truth is that often those thoughts are the most important factor that binds people together. The vulnerability and honesty someone shows indicates to another that it is alright to be whoever the hell they are or want to be – that they are safe and worthy, even at times when they’ve lost sight of that themselves.