It’s February. Romance is in the air, the stores are filled with chocolate hearts, stuffed bears, and “him and hers” matching mugs. Netflix is streaming all the romantic classics like The Notebook and Titanic, and you’re sitting there wondering: Is this relationship even worth it anymore?
Love is beautiful, there’s no denying that. However, it’s also not what the movies make it out to be. The truth is, many of us have been in your shoes before. It’s human to have doubts and having doubts within itself isn’t a sign that it’s over or should be over. As cheesy as it sounds, you have to really look within yourself to find what it is you want and if your significant other still fulfills what you need in a relationship.
Below I’ve compiled a few questions that I found to be the most beneficial in helping my own relationship and those of the people around me. Hopefully, these questions will help give you some clarity if you find yourself with some doubts:
- Do you consider them a best friend?
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Every relationship is different, but something that most people feel is important for a fulfilling relationship is that their significant other is their best friend. You not only love each other and enjoy each other’s presence in a sexual way, but you’re each other’s best friends, you enjoy talking, telling each other everything, and spending time together. A best friend takes many different roles and what roles are important and necessary are different for everyone. Perhaps you enjoy playing video games together, going shopping together, doing art together, biking together, or all of the above and so much more. It doesn’t matter so much what it is you enjoy doing together as long as sex isn’t the only component of your relationship.
More things to consider on this topic is: Are they the first person you think of when something good or bad happens to you? Are they on your most recent or most frequent phone calls and/or text messages? When you’re walking around do random things remind you of them and you just want to share it with them?
- Is the sex good?
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Sex isn’t everything, but it’s definitely important. It’s a form of intimacy and a way of feeling close to your significant other in a way that you wouldn’t and couldn’t with just any other person. This doesn’t mean that there won’t be rough patches within your sexual relationship with each other, nothing can be perfect all the time. The importance of this is that you don’t have to be unsure just because there’s a rough patch. It doesn’t mean the flame is gone or that you don’t love each other anymore. It’s normal and more importantly, it’s human for things to change and for you both to feel different throughout the relationship. The questions to ask yourself here are: Do you still want to want to have sex with your significant other? Do you still find them attractive? Would you rather be with a different person instead? As long as you both have the desire to work on whatever obstacle is before you, then your relationship is worth it and your heart is probably still in it.
- Do you still like them as a person?
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This is a complicated question to ask yourself. A common experience people find is that in the first few months of a relationship you’re still getting used to this person and you’re both learning what it means to be together. It’s difficult to see anything they do as annoying or as flawed. However, eventually, that shiny bubble of awe starts evaporating and you’re left with a regular person, one that you can see as clearly as you see yourself. Similar to noticing the flaws in yourself, you begin noticing the flaws in your partner and wishing they were different from how they are. This is an incredibly frustrating experience when you love them and feel you may hate them or dislike them at the same time. However, in most cases, these mixed feelings can also be fixed, if you wish to fix them of course. Some important questions to ask yourself to help you understand where your frustration with your significant other stems from is: Are you perhaps being a perfectionist? Are you trying to control how they act or who they are? Are you waiting for them to “change” or telling yourself things will be better in the future? You have to like who they are as they are. Change is normal, you are both going to grow and change together, hopefully for the better, but you shouldn’t be waiting for certain qualities to change in your favor for you to be happier.
- Are you happy with yourself?
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This may seem a little counterintuitive to think about when all you can do is think about your relationship and if things are working or if this is the right person for you, but this is probably the most important question of all. We are all human, all we can do is try to the best of our ability to be as understanding, kind, and fair as possible. However, we cannot help how we feel and sometimes we react faster than we’re able to understand. Things can get confusing and sometimes, not only can we misunderstand our significant others, but also ourselves. When you’re wrapped up with someone so tightly as love tends to make us do, it can be difficult to see where our happiness is coming from – and where it went when it’s gone. Here are a few questions to ponder on and hopefully help you reach some clarity: Have you ever felt this way before meeting your significant other? Are your reactions, tones, and attitudes toward your relationship similar to those you found in your family life growing up? Are you taking out your frustrations and mixed feelings on your significant other? Are the things that have you upset actually things your significant other can do something about?
Love is difficult. It’s not as easy and picture-perfect as Hollywood would like us to believe. It can get really messy and sometimes it can resemble something you never thought you’d find yourself in. That doesn’t mean you’ve reached the end. If you’re looking for your love life to be like a movie, maybe you should consider that you’re at the climax of a movie — and that climax is never-ending. There isn’t an ending to our love life after two hours like most movies. Our happily ever after is going to be an ever-changing roller coaster. Sometimes things will feel awful, sometimes they are going to feel amazing. Sometimes the feeling of love won’t be there and all you can do is barely utter the words. And that’s alright. Love is an emotion, it’s not permanent. That’s where commitment comes in. It’s a promise to love each other even when the love isn’t there.
Keep in mind that our society loves new things and dislikes broken ones. So sometimes, when our relationship feels like it’s broken, our first instinct may be to throw it away. Sometimes that may be the answer, but other times, there’s a lot more work that can be done to improve your relationship with your significant other.
Always remember; Love is patient. Love is beautiful. Love comes in many forms.
Just a reminder that if you are in an abusive relationship do not hesitate to contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1.800.799.7233. People are there to help you. There is a light at the end of every tunnel and much more love to still be found.