You’re in love and believe you found your soulmate. The two of you are moving to the next stage, trust one another, and overall have a healthy relationship. You couldn’t be happier, but there’s one problem- your anxiety. You start having thoughts of “he’s cheating on me, I know it” to “maybe we just aren’t meant to be” even if nothing between the two of you is wrong. Having these thoughts doesn’t necessarily mean you need to break up. What I’m here to tell you is that this is completely normal. So normal, that reportedly every 1 in 5 people are affected by relationship anxiety.
What is it?
According to Karla Ivankovich, relationship anxiety is “when one or both people in the relationship spend more time in anxious thought about the relationship than tending to the relationship itself.” Ivankovich, who is a licensed clinical counselor and educator, explains that this anxiety can stem from many things including anxious attachments to parents, past unhealthy relationships, and even just poor communication between the two of you. This anxiety can arise at the talking stage, the ‘honeymoon period’, or during a long-term relationship.
How can you overcome it?
- Reflect and understand your past
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In the self-help book Loving Bravely: Twenty Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want by Alexandra H. Soloman, and Mona D. Fishbane, they explore the relationship your family past has with how you love others. They write: “the relationship between your parents was your first love template even if they never had an intimate relationship with each other- the absence of something can still have an impact… did your parents demonstrate compassion, tenderness, respect, and honesty? Did your parents demonstrate hostility, abuse, addiction, neglect, or deceit?” Basically, your attachment style was formed from the intimacy your parents shared with you. The past stays with us, but it’s possible to change the way you react to it.
Soloman and Fishbane recommend writing down three aspects of your family life that felt beneficial and hurtful to you as you grew up. For example, this could be something like how your parents valued family time but also how your parents never said “I love you” to each other. When you finish, take the time to reflect on this list. How do these aspects make you feel? What aspects do you want from your family dynamics to gravitate towards your romantic, intimate relationships?
A lot of us don’t realize the impact our upbringing has on our relationships, so even if you don’t have relationship anxiety, it’s worth putting the thought into.
- Expose yourself through stages
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Being in a relationship can be scary. You grow with your partner over time, which also means letting them see you in your most vulnerable state. But, sharing your vulnerability can also be amazing. If you have anxiety, you might start thinking “he doesn’t want to be with me anymore” or “I’m too much to handle, I need to break up with him.”
No, you don’t have to break up! It’s possible for you to have anxiety but also be comfortable with vulnerability. Practice vulnerability at different stages throughout your relationship. Psychologist Stacey Rosenfeld says “experiment with small ‘exposures,’ exercises where you try out being vulnerable with your partner and, as your confidence builds, work toward increased vulnerability over time. Fears associated with vulnerability should lessen with increased exposure.” This way, you can take your time to share your deepest thoughts and feelings with your partner without overwhelming yourself. Your partner should be understanding of this process and love you for you.
- Try therapy
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Your thoughts might be overwhelming, but you can fight them. It just might take more than venting to your friends about it, though. Talking to a professional will help you find the root of your relationship anxiety and give you methods to cope.
A recent study from 2017 found that you don’t need to necessarily sit through years of therapy to be a healthier version of yourself. This study discovered that just one session can make an impact on decreasing your relationship anxiety and finding how to handle it together as a couple.
That being said, make sure you talk to your partner about your anxiety. Open up to them about how you feel and find comfort that your partner wants to fight alongside you.
At the end of the day, relationships are hard work to maintain, and it takes two to tango. There are methods to help you fight your anxiety and to continue being in a successful relationship. If your partner isn’t willing to stay and help you, that’s okay! You have yourself and that’s all that matters.