“Boys are useless” sighs my roommate during a crowded lunch in Adam’s dining hall. I look up from my tom~bas~rav and note her eyes peering disdainfully across the table at a group of raucous men who have just filled the free space surrounding us. Viscerally repelled by their actions, I cannot help but share in her look of disdain. The scene at the end of the table is borderline bestial. Two of the boys are adamantly smacking the table with the sides of their fists, making barking noises. One is swirling creatine powder into his third cup of powerade with his pinky. Another is violently coating his unplated chicken breasts, which float sadly like worms on wet blacktop across the surface of his damp dining hall tray, with a mayonnaise-ketchup mix. I cringe as a rogue french fly looses itself from the nearest one’s hand (moving speedily in a fit of shoveling) and flies across the nearest aisle. Boys are useless, indeed.
Repulsed enough to lose our appetites, my roommate and I put away our trays, collect our bags, and decide to walk to Starbucks before class. On the way, we strike up a conversation about all of the things that are more useful than boys. The first on this list, of course, are careers, classes, good friends, health, wine, coffee, etc. But quickly, we realize that this list is virtually endless. Some of it’s highlights, or the things we think are most more useful than boys, are listed below.
Happy Lady Parts
Boys, with their tendency to not return the favor, make lady parts sad. What’s less useless than sad lady parts? Happy lady parts! Make yours happy by looking out for your vagina, with AZO Cranberry Gummies.
These delicious snacks help keep your urinary tract healthy, a thing boys rarely do. Also be sure to take care of your boobs, with Brappz bra straps.
Makin’ Clean Money
Boys, aka men, eat up money like we wish they ate . . . other things. From waxes to nails to uber rides home from their rooms in the quad, boys quickly morph from caring partners to vortex-like money pits. And what does all of that money buy? Only misery-on-layaway. Stop wasting your money. Instead, start getting more money, with the new Circle Pay App. Money is much more useful than not money.
Like the Way You Look that Much
Looking amazing for boys is a waste of time, because they’re not worth it. But looking amazing the way you want is very worthwhile. To change up your look for spring, check out these colorful new eyeliners by Milani.
If you’re not a makeup person, try this new shampoo and conditioner from Tresemme instead — it will make your hair feel soft, voluminous, and healthy, just like your life without boys.
Regular lust is iffy: oftentimes it results in tears, disease, and exceeding loneliness. While travel lust can end like this as well, at least you also come out of it with a lot of amazing experiences and cool pictures. Circling the world and fulfilling all of your deepest, most wanderlustful daydreams is an entirely useful pursuit. Check out CEA study abroad to find ways to travel, meet new people, and learn from new cultures at a great price.
And a pro-tip for when you go? Be sure to pack your important travel gear — a camera, umbrella, maps on maps on maps — in this beautiful Ella Tote by Vera Bradley, with an accompanying zip ID case. What a fantastic use of time.