Kinda give a shit about Valentine’s Day but not enough to leave the square? Don’t worry! With this list, you can buy the cards you need (and don’t need) for everyone in your life, all within a five minute’s walk from the science center! WOW! Lazy and lovely. It’s like a Valentine’s Day dream come true <3.
For your blockmate who eats breakfast . . .
“Without you I’m Toast”
Inside: “So you butter be mine this Valentine’s Day”
Papyrus, $5.95
http://www.papyrusonline.com/retro-toast-card.html
Most days that 7:30 AM alarm is very annoying. But today? It makes you smile. Because without her, you’d be toast.
For the one who makes you feel like a mermaid . . .
“You’re My Soulmatey”
Papyrus, $5.95
http://www.papyrusonline.com/soul-matey-card.html
He’s always around you when you’re topless and he pets your hair until you flub like a fish. On a scale (hehehe) of one through mythical creature, this is the card for him.
For the man you need to scare away . . .
“LOVE YOU”
Inside: “SO MUCH”
Papyrus, $7.95
http://www.papyrusonline.com/ombre-love.html
Enuff said.
For your long list of ex-lovers . . .
“Happy Valentine’s Day”
Inside: “Big wishes for a day that’s filled with fun”
Papyrus, $7.95
http://www.papyrusonline.com/cute-dinosaur-with-heart.html
Because they’re not just extinct, they’re ex-stinky. And the bonus? The card’s enticingly non-romantic interior leaves no room for mixed messages, so you won’t have to worry about digging up old bones (lol get it I’m funny). PRO-TIP: Fart on this card before you give it to them.
For your science-y friend . . .
“You’re like the second hottest I’ve ever seen”
Urban Outfitters, $5.50
http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/urban/catalog/productdetail.jsp?id=38645131&category=VDAY-PARTY
You may never see her because she’s always at lab, but she probably still exists. So give her this card, to let her know you know that. And that also, you know science.
For your weird roommate who probably doesn’t know it’s Valentine’s Day but will appreciate this card regardless . . .
“What’s Up” (quoth a paper sloth)
Urban Outifitters, $7.50
http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/urban/catalog/productdetail.jsp?id=33397977&category=A_DESK_CARD
She’s cooler than you, smarter than you, and sometimes has no fucking clue what day it is. But that’s ok, because this card will remind her, and a good will be done in the world.
For your personal trap queen . . .
“Hey what’s up hello!”
Urban Outiftters, $5.50
http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/urban/catalog/productdetail.jsp?id=38182010&category=A_DESK_CARD
It may look redundant to your mother, but she’ll get it. And besides, redundancy is kinda like hitting rewind, which gets us nicely back to trap queenage.