Boys are Stupid (duh)

Some readers may find this offensive, but I that I just need to say it: boys are really stupid.

That felt nice. I wanna say it again. Boys are stupid.

While I know that’s mean and generalizing and ‘not true’, especially here (we do go to Harvard), it’s impossible to ignore that a lot of the time, this seems to be the concrete truth: Boys are really stupid. Fortunately, girls are too.

Wait a second. That’s not nice. But the thing is, it’s not just boys who say a lot of stupid stuff – we all say some incredibly dumb things. And no matter how insulting or pathetic or weird or asinine those things sound in the moment, you have to take them for what they are – slip ups, bad ideas, thoughts gone astray. Essentially, they’re life’s little bloopers. And who doesn’t love to see the bloopers? No one. Seriously, everyone loves the bloopers. You just have to remember that the bloopers don’t have to count in the final show.

Just think of the last time you bumped into someone on the street and you weren’t paying attention, or you were a little too tipsy and your brain and mouth weren’t working exactly as a team. And thing of how many really stupid things you’ve said at times like these. I can almost (hopefully) guarantee that none of those things were meant to sound like that, but they probably did, and ta-da you looked stupid. 

Stupid is like magic. It turns the scariest monsters into people, the smoothest men into goofy boys. I personally love when I hear people say stupid things. They remind you that nobody is really on top of it all, and nobody really knows what they’re doing. We are all fallible, and we can all be stupid.

But because we are girls and because boys being stupid can get really annoying really quick (despite it’s being goofy and endearing in general), I’ve compiled a list of the truly stupidest things boys at Harvard have ever said or done. Boys, this isn’t meant to be mean; rather, it’s in celebration of your stupidity. And girls, the next time you hear something truly stupid, think that it could be so much more stupider. Without further ado, here are a few of my favorite stupid boyisms, collected from real life Harvard girls, and thrown out there by real life Harvard boys. I attempted to rank them in order. But it was kind of impossible to rate stupidity. It’s kind of an all-or-nothing quality.

1.     Feel free to touch my penis.

2.     Sorry, it’s really big.

3.     B: Wanna come home with me?

G: I’m not gonna have sex with you.

B: That’s ok, we can just hangout.

 . . . 2 hours later . . .

B: Why won’t you have sex with me?

4.     B: What’re you doing?

G: Writing some emails.

B: Can I come over and help you with your emails?

5.     G: So you do wanna hangout?

B: Well I’m not gonna say no to getting laid.

B: **does not get laid**

6. B: **answers door in the nude. Proceeds to make smoothie, totally nude. Leans up against counter while smoothie blends, still nude**

G: **staring at nude boy, horrified but trying not to look at penis, which is right there** What’s in the smoothie?

B: **shrugs nude shoulders; floppy penis moves with nude body** Just some healthy shit. You know, I treat my body like a temple.

G: **Eyes tasty burger wrapper, pile of empty beer cans, bong, and baggie of cocaine in background; nods**

7.     Why don’t you have hair on your butthole?

8.     Come on, just gimme like half a blowjob.

9.     Wanna come to my room and see my surfboard?

10. I bite . . .

• stupid