“I’m dating with intentions.” Well, intentions to what? What does your outline look like for your dating process, and what is your final goal? Many women have said this line but have not taken the time to make their rubric strict. To intentionally date in a generation where hookup culture, ghosting, linking instead of dates, cheating, and not having to ask a girl to be your girlfriend is normalized is tough! The dating landscape has become a place where emotional investment often feels like a rarity, and many women, especially Black women, are left trying to navigate this environment while maintaining their self-worth. Intentional dating, however, is an approach that demands more than just vague hopes of finding love — it’s about knowing what you need, setting clear boundaries, and having the strength to stick to them, regardless of the chaos around you.
The rise of the “intentional dating” era can be seen as a reaction to the experiences many women, particularly Black women, have faced in dating over the years. In the past, we have often been subjected to loose boundaries, accepting the bare minimum from partners, and adjusting to the terms men have set — terms that may be less about deep connection and more about convenience or lack of effort. A key factor in this dynamic has been the rise of the term “nonchalant,” which some men claim as a way to justify emotional detachment or low investment in relationships. This behavior has led many women to fall victim to relationships where they feel undervalued, underappreciated, or worse, neglected.
In response to this, Black women are starting to embrace intentional dating as a form of self-preservation and empowerment. It is no longer enough to simply meet someone at their level and compromise on what we deserve. Instead, it’s about taking the reins of our own emotional well-being and pursuing relationships where our needs and standards are respected. The first step in tightening up the rubric for dating is to get to know yourself truly — who you are, what you value, and what you’re willing to accept in a relationship. This self-awareness is the foundation that will enable you to set boundaries that not only protect your peace but elevate your dating life.
One of the best ways to discover who you truly are is through intentional solo activities that challenge you to step out of your comfort zone and explore new experiences. Going on solo dates, for example, allows you to enjoy your own company and develop an understanding of what you like and don’t like without the pressure of pleasing anyone else. You may try new foods, visit places you’ve never been, or take part in hobbies you’ve always been curious about. This process of self-discovery deepens your connection to yourself and builds confidence in your ability to create joy and fulfillment independently.
Furthermore, building a relationship with God can also be an essential part of understanding yourself. For Black women, our faith and spiritual practices often provide a strong sense of purpose, direction, and inner peace. By nurturing that connection, you strengthen your ability to listen to your inner voice, discern what aligns with your values, and cultivate a mindset of patience and grace as you navigate the dating world. When you know yourself, you can approach relationships with a clearer perspective and higher expectations.
As cliché as it sounds, the truth remains: you can’t learn to love someone else if you haven’t first learned to love yourself. This is where many of us go wrong in the dating process — we try to meet others where they are, without first determining where we stand. In doing so, we often compromise ourselves, our values, and our happiness in hopes of making someone else feel comfortable. The ultimate goal is to reach a place in a relationship where both partners can thrive, but this cannot happen if one person is constantly adjusting or shrinking themselves to accommodate the other.
Once you have an understanding of who you are, the next stage in intentional dating is creating your rubric — the list of qualities, values, and boundaries that will guide your choices in a partner. It’s important to think critically about what you’re willing to compromise on and what you absolutely won’t budge on. The “rubric” is like grading — what are the minimum standards for you to accept someone into your life? Think of it as a grading scale: What is acceptable enough to pass? While everyone’s rubric is personal and different, it’s important to be strong-willed about your non-negotiables. Personally, I wouldn’t accept anything less than a B, and that B means he has to be willing to work on improving those missing points.
Effective communication is the next stage after building your rubric. It’s important to communicate your standards clearly and confidently to a potential partner. Let them know what matters to you, and what you’re looking for in a relationship. This openness helps both of you determine if you’re on the same page, and whether the relationship has the potential to grow in a way that’s healthy and fulfilling for both individuals.
Intentional dating is not about being rigid or unwilling to grow. It’s about knowing what you need, staying true to who you are, and finding someone who respects and complements your life journey. By making your rubric and communicating it effectively, you empower yourself to attract a partner who matches your vision for the future.
In conclusion, intentional dating for Black women is an act of self-love and self-respect. By first learning who you are, you strengthen your ability to make decisions that align with your well-being and happiness. By building a rubric and communicating it with clarity, you set yourself up for relationships that are rooted in mutual respect and growth. It’s time for us to stop settling for the bare minimum and start demanding what we deserve — not just from others, but from ourselves too. The process of intentional dating is not just about finding the right partner, it’s about becoming the best version of yourself first, so you can share that version with someone else who appreciates and complements who you truly are.