There’s a lack of care and gentleness in the Black community of Black women and men not having a safe space to express their emotional and mental health struggles due to invalidation and rejection, in response creates a suppression of their feelings in fear or to not appear “weak”. The thought of simply stating, “I need help. I’m not okay”, unfortunately scares many African American women and men away because they weren’t met with reassurance in communicating their emotions. Unhealthy coping mechanisms begin to form instead of loving and safe conversations and outlets, and a cycle develops in different ways from generation to generation until it stops. Â
Falling into a generational cycle is witnessing that one specific thing, or more, that just keeps popping up generation after generation after generation. Waking up to this common pattern that is being passed down is realizing that, though it is deemed as normal and it’s comforting, something is not right about this steady beat and you want to put an end to it.
Seeking therapy and being willing to open up and have those vulnerable conversations with your family is a starter. Your family has to want to meet you halfway and have those difficult conversations that may be rooted in hurt and pain. If there’s no reciprocation, set boundaries and keep unlearning destructive patterns. Return to counseling for yourself, the relationships around you, and the ones you will receive in the future.Â
I was raised in a single-parent home, yet this did not interfere with the beautiful relationship I have with my mom. Our talks have always been so open, and as I navigate through the twists and turns of what being a young adult is, they’re becoming deeper. I have learned my mother’s wounds just by her opening up, and in return asking me about my perspective on certain situations in life, because having these profound conversations was a cycle she wanted to break. She nailed it! I have learned what to look out for and what not to repeat when it comes to romantic relationships.Â
Coming from a family of multiple divorces, some of the closest women to me unconsciously encountered men who displayed the same toxic traits their fathers presented because it was what they were used to. Therefore, this cycle regarding unhealthy love and unstable marriages continued.Â
It ends with me now. I am nowhere near ready for marriage and honestly I do not want to be right now, but it is a big desire that I have for myself in the future. I want to encounter love with intentionality. I’m taking red flags seriously and paying attention to guys who do not mirror the same toxic ways my father and other men in my family have displayed. I want to show up as the best version of me so unhealed wounds do not enter into my marriage, and way down the line my title as a mother.Â
Uncovering these curses don’t just stop out of therapy. Because there’s this increasing silence revolving around the talk of emotional and mental health, never stop communicating and showing your emotions no matter how the people in your family and around you respond. Turn a deaf ear to this narrative that we always have to be strong as Black women. We don’t and it’s okay to not always feel okay. There’s nothing wrong in sharing our emotions, especially to those who are loving, safe, and trusting, and doing so saves us from a lot of troubles. Most of all, forgive your family for the trauma and predicament that was put into place. It takes empathy to understand that they were hurt as well or didn’t know any better, and though it doesn’t excuse your experience and upbringing, striving for compassion and love covers an array of resentment and honestly makes you feel lighter.Â
Breaking generational trauma is entering an unknown world that may feel scary, but it will be so worth it when the promise comes to pass. Choose to face yourself with love and don’t shrink to conform to patterns in your family. Keep going and be great!Â