How to Avoid Being A bad Roommate

Are you worried about how your living habits might impact your housemates? Great! That means you’re a normal human being who doesn’t lack the basic traits of empathy or rationality. If you don’t want to forever be known as the “bad roommate,” here are some simple tips I’ve come up with that are (unfortunately) based on real experiences.

  1. When you decide to bring your dog to your strictly no-pets-allowed rental home - without asking your roommates first - and it digs through your trash, don’t leave your used condoms all over the carpet and expect someone else to clean it up


  1. When your boyfriend agrees to help with the utility bill in exchange for living in the house rent-free, don’t lie about him moving out while he continues to live there for six months


  1. When you are trying to hide the fact that previously-mentioned boyfriend is living in your house rent-free, don’t allow him to invite all of his friends over to pre-game when you aren’t even home


  1. When you’re done with a dish, don’t leave it on the counter directly above the functioning dishwasher for two weeks (with all of your other dishes), and then throw a tantrum about how it’s “not a big deal” when somebody politely asks you to clean up after yourself

  1. When you decide the best drink to play beer pong with is cheap red wine, don’t leave splashes all over the white table and kitchen cupboards to dry out and permanently stain it


  1. When you steal your roommate’s food on a regular basis, don’t accuse her of lying and have a meltdown when she politely asks if you know where something went


  1. When you forget about the full pot of cooked spaghetti that you left on the counter for a week, throw it out once it is covered in a thick layer of blue mold and attracting a literal swarm of flies

  1. When you need to throw out your expired raw chicken, don’t leave it in the recycling bin and let everyone else wonder where the smell is coming from


  1. When you use the toilet, consider flushing it when you are finished


  1. When you drop out of school and move out without telling anyone, don’t take the dirty front door mat, half-used tube of toothpaste, and nearly-finished roll of toilet paper that your roommate paid for half of

I would like to give a sincere apology to my landlord and offer my greatest thanks to my current roommate for being normal.