I’ve worked hard my entire life to be where I am right now. At 6 years old, (yes, seriously, 6) I decided my dream career was to be a journalist. I’ve stuck with that dream for 16 years now, all the way to the end of college.
So, here I am. It’s November and I’m under 50 days away from walking across that stage and receiving my degree.
People say I should be excited and proud, so why do I feel terrified and inadequate? Maybe this feeling isn’t so strange, but no one wants to talk about it. Everyone wants to act like they have everything together and their future is laid out perfectly on a silver platter.
Let me start by saying, I’m absolutely horrified.
I have always known what the next step will be. In elementary, it was middle school. In high school, it was college. I have never truly feared the unknown; until now.
I’m a good student with a decent head on my shoulders and have worked tirelessly to maintain a 3.5 GPA throughout college. But suddenly, it doesn’t feel like enough.
I’m a perfectionist, and to be candid, nothing I do will ever be enough for me. But, the feeling of not being enough for an employer has never bothered me; until now. And let me tell you, it feels awful.
I often ponder the questions: “What if I never find the right job?” or “What if no one ever gives me a chance?” It’s these “what if’s” that keep me up at night and make me wonder if all my hard work was for nothing.
I think a lot of us seniors feel this way. Or, maybe it’s just me? (Please, please tell me it’s not just me.) We have our entire lives ahead of us, and for the first time, mommy and daddy aren’t there to pick us up when we fall. Sure, they may be in the background cheering us on, but we are basically all alone this time. All we really have at the end of the day is ourselves now.
That’s what scares me the most. If I can never be satisfied with myself, how can I expect a company to be satisfied with me? What if these what if’s are rational?
The rest of my life is starting in 50 days and I can’t even tell you what I’m planning to have for dinner tomorrow. I definitely can’t tell you where I’ll be employed, and I certainly can’t promise it’s THE one.
You know, THE one. That one job that you stay with until you retire. I’m 22 years old, I cannot even fathom retirement right now. But I have to. This is real life.
Along with thinking about a 401(k) and all the other things that make my skin crawl, I really can’t stand the assumption that if I don’t find a job right out of college, I’ll never find one.
This is a common misconception that eats at me daily. Again, to be completely candid with you, I have not applied for a real job yet. So, what happens when January hits and no one has hired me yet? Spoiler alert: I have absolutely NO idea.
Am I the only one seeing a theme here?
We have NO idea what is coming up next. I wish I could be optimistic, and I don’t want to seem like a total pessimist, but I truly do not know what to expect.
My hope is that the future is bright and all my hard work has paid off. I hope that the perfect company will love my work and appreciate the struggle it took to get here.
But that’s just a hope. And at this point, the future is out of my hands.
I do have confidence in this, though: what is meant to be, will always be.