The timeless “freshman fifteen” warning may sound like a painless joke for some incoming students, but for those entering college with an eating disorder, the phrase can contribute to anxiety, confusion, and even relapse. Being thrust into an environment of late night pizza trips and crowded dining halls can lead to insecurity, while leaving therapists, support teams, or loved ones can take a toll on your healthy habits.
I was in the middle of my recovery when I started my first year. I tried to eat regularly, but I hadn’t broken my dangerous habit of excessive, daily exercise, and I still couldn’t come to face my figure in the mirror. Despite having gained some healthy weight, I felt far from recovery; more dangerously, I felt like I was fighting alone with few ideas of how to help myself. My eating disorder made me feel as though I didn’t deserve to eat, let alone be happy, in my new home.
It would have been easy to become a recluse and slink back, hungry, to my dorm room. Hanging out with my classmates meant running the risk of being asked if I wanted to grab dinner or split a pack of gummy bears. There was more comfort for me in microwavable oatmeal packets. Gradually, however, I accepted the prospect of recovery; I saw friends bond over our dining hall’s famous cookies and wanted terribly to be able to participate in this basic, yet essential social passage. I began to replace my time at the gym with my time in the library; I attended yoga classes and midnight trips to the twenty-four-hour diner. College was not just teaching me about Arabic grammar and literary forms, it was teaching me acceptance, trust, and self love.
Time was essential in my recovery. There were no clever incantations or snapping fingers to patch me up and send me on my way; it took work, control and encouragement from dear friends. Truthfully, I still consider myself to be in recovery. Every day I ask myself in a treacherous whisper what I might look like if I skipped a meal, and every day I am reminded of what I have overcome before and am capable of doing so again. It’s a continuous battle, but that is not to say there is no end in sight.
These are some “Dos” and “Don’ts” that helped me navigate college with an eating disorder. Remember you are not alone; if you are feeling desperate or hopeless, contact your college’s student health center or talk to a friend you trust. Recovery does not come quickly for everyone, so remember to stick to a plan, push through your doubts, and respect yourself. My first year of college was tumultuous to say the least, but it taught me how to love myself.
Do: Eat at consistent or regular times because it will help you get into a routine with eating as a normality. My biggest enemy was withholding throughout the day and snacking excessively at night, a habit that made me self-conscious and uncomfortable with my body. I also missed out on spending time with my friends at meals. Establishing a consistent schedule will keep you on track of your goals and healthy at the same time.
Don’t: Monitor or keep track of what you eat, unless it’s part of your recovery plan. You may become obsessed with your calorie or fat intake, and looking back on your choices may make you inclined to relapse. Instead, keep track of when you eat and make sure to have a healthy number of meals each day.
Don’t: Overdo your exercise. Working out is a great way to burn off stress during the school year, but it can quickly get out of hand. Instead of spending an hour on the treadmill watching the calorie tracker, mix up your routine: try yoga, a martial arts class, or go for long walks around campus. That way, you will be encouraged to perform better rather than focusing unhealthily on losing weight. Make exercise a fun hobby instead of a burden. It helps to have a workout partner to keep you encouraged as well.
Do: Carry water with you everywhere. It’s a healthy habit in general, but for those struggling with self-esteem issues and eating disorders, it can reduce guilt. Water boosts the metabolism and contributes to the maintenance of a healthy weight, among other benefits. Drinking water throughout the day made me feel more comfortable with what I ate at meal times, and helped me stay positive about my appearance. It has the added benefit of keeping skin clear, too!
Don’t: Keep it a secret. It can be intimidating and sometimes embarrassing to talk about an eating disorder, but it can also be tremendously beneficial. Talk with a friend or trusted colleague so they can be supportive and understanding at meal time. My school has a chapter of “Active Minds,” and it proved to be a safe space to talk about my eating disorder; I even worked up the courage to speak on a panel for National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. Sharing my secret took away a significant amount of pressure from my daily life.
Don’t: Eat alone. You will be more inclined to withhold and think negatively. It may feel uncomfortable to eat in front of other people, but it can positively impact your recovery, boost your mood, make you feel more social, and encourage you to eat a healthy amount. If you’re surrounded by supportive friends, meals will become a little less frightening. Plus, you’ll have an extra supportive voice telling you that it’s okay to have that cookie.
Do: Put yourself first. You deserve love and support, and if your recovery plan involves therapy or a dietician, get help from your student health services. Get enough sleep, watch puppy videos when you’re feeling stressed, call a loved one or a friend. Time in college should be spent being extraordinary, not being held back. Try your best and be proud of yourself. Always remember you are not alone.