Sarcastic Answers to Send Your Annoying Relatives Running

Thanksgiving break is around the corner, which means you have to start preparing for the impending CIA-level interrogation from your nosy family members. Most of the questions will undoubtedly have sexist undertones regarding relationships and not-so-subtle judgments about the uncertainty of your future (because you had your whole life figured out at age 21 Uncle Joe? Yeah okay…).  

I can usually only handle this line of questioning for about five minutes before I want to take all the wine and run out the back door. Here are a few response suggestions to shake things up this year. *Use at your own risk.*

Do you have a boyf-

Honestly, don’t even bother finishing that question. Unfortunately, I have yet to find a man who lives up to my level of intelligence.Via Giphy

But wouldn’t it be nice to have someone to take care of you?

I take care of myself better than anyone else could, thanks. When was the last time you asked *insert older male cousin’s name here* when he is going to settle down instead of focusing on his career?

When was the last time you went on a date?

Well every Thursday night I buy a shit-ton of wine and popcorn and have a date with the cast of Grey’s Anatomy and Scandal. That counts right?

Via Giphy

Why don’t you ever bring any boys home?

If I was serious about having a relationship, the last thing I would do is introduce him to you crazy people!

How are your classes going? What about your grades?

In the words of Beyonce, “Who needs a degree when you’re schoolin’ life?”Via Giphy

How is the food at school?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I did gain the Freshman Fifteen. Thanks for reminding me!!!

Related: My Fitness Journey

What have you been up to lately?

Well... I just finished a bottle of wine. So that’s kept me busy for the last half hour.Via Giphy

So what are your thoughts on politics these days?

Is this a joke? IS THIS AN ACTUAL JOKE? Do not make me go all Hillary Rodham Clinton on you BECAUSE I WILL! #ImSTILLWithHer

*If you really want to get your conservative family stirring in their seats…*

Do you at least have your eye on any guys?

Nope. But I’m talking to a few girls right now!!!Via Giphy

What are your plans for after graduation?

I’m thinking of moving to New York City, changing my name to “Sugar,” and hitting the poles. Either that or applying to grad school, but I’m still deciding!

Are you at least putting yourself out there?

Of course! Sleeping around is a fantastic way to meet people!

Related: Everything I’d Rather Have by 25 Than an Engagement Ring

Via Giphy

*To finish it off…*

When are you going to have kids?

*act confused by the question until they finally just walk away*

If all goes as planned, then you have successfully scared everyone away and are in your happy place--sitting alone by the fireplace with a glass of wine while everyone else is debating your independence, sanity and sexual history in the next room. Ahhh it’s good to be home.  Via Giphy