Imagine an ocean. Every drop of water is a thought or feeling, all blending together in the sea. Now picture the shore, with the waves coming in, cresting and falling and swirling up foam.
For me, this is what my anxiety feels like, and it’s different for everyone with anxiety.
Anxiety (General Anxiety Disorder, or GAD) is different than feeling anxious before doing a presentation in class or doing something that makes you nervous. Anxiety is with me, always. But like the waves on the shore, it can be a small splash or a terrifying tsunami. I never really stop feeling anxiety; I’m the sand on the beach and my anxiety, the ocean, is my eternal companion.
For me, things like raising my hand in class or speaking out and trying something new will always spike my anxiety.
It’s the little things that we battle against. If it were up to my anxiety I’d spend my entire life away from people and things that trigger my anxiety, which isn’t always apparent. Unfortunately, life doesn’t work like that. You don’t get free passes on your responsibilities, and you have to face your fears.
And I do, I face them every single day.
We aren’t afforded the luxury of hiding behind our issues. You still have to get up every day and face the world. I work in retail, which makes me proud of myself for not giving in to my anxiety. It sometimes feels like I share my body with another being, which is really just my anxiety. I have to take control and not let it get the best of me.
Sometimes I wish people knew just how much of a struggle it is to get out bed in the morning. I never feel entirely whole, and I just wished people understood. I feel claustrophobic in my own skin, like there’s a part of me that just wants to break free and fly. Yes, it’s messy, I’m all over the place, I’m holding on by the threads–but know that I am trying my best.
I won’t always tell my loved ones when I’m having a panic attack or when my anxiety begins to spiral. I know I can be cruel and I lash out sometimes, I’m fighting the waves that are crashing into me, and I know that what I really need to do is let go and just ride the waves out until my feet touch the ground and I can finally breathe again.
The waves will never go away, I just need to learn how to surf to survive.
“Smile, breathe, and go slowly.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh
If you are a student at George Mason University and feel any of these symptoms reach out to GMU’s Group Therapy or the Center for Psychological Services. You are not alone.