As a commuter, I drive around 45 minutes each way to Mason and I’ve become *very* familiar with many of the major roads in the area on my never-ending quest to find the perfect route to school. I’ve spent enough mornings repeating the iconic “road work ahead” Vine that I’ve kept a running list in my head of what Vine each road is and we all know that any Vine content is good content.
1. 28: Weightlifting Rage Baby
There’s a special place in my heart for the hate I have towards 28 and it’s a constant state of bumper-to-bumper traffic. Nothing puts a damper on my mornings quite like seeing those shining brake lights and knowing I’m going to be here for a while. I’ll leave it up to interpretation whether 28 or I am the rage baby, but I think it works just as well either way.
2. 66: Oh My God
66 is frankly deceptive. It looks like just another multi-lane, high-speed road, or like a baby rhino in a cage, but it’s a beast. As soon as you move to the entrance ramp off of 28 you’re thrown in with the wolves to fight your way through a near-instantaneous merge from two lanes to one. Not cool, 66. Not cool at all.
3. 29: Milk Beep
While the strongest connection to this Vine takes place after you turn on to Main Street, 29 and all of its pedestrians, grocery stores and crosswalks really reminds us of ‘Milk Beep.’
4. 50: You Better STOP
50 is almost notorious for abrupt stops because of the copious amount of both traffic lights and vehicles that really want to get home. While it doesn’t take on its truly beastly form unless it’s morning or evening rush hour, those times are traumatic enough that I avoid it at every possible juncture.
5. Braddock Road: Road Work Ahead
At this point, I’m not really sure if Braddock is ever not under construction. Whoever plans these construction projects has some vendetta against the 75% of the George Mason student body that commutes to class each day — many of whom reach campus via Braddock. However, the one thing this gifts to us all is the excuse to quote this Vine to our heart’s content (not that we wouldn’t do it anyway).
6. Fairfax County Parkway: This B***h Empty YEET
My personal favorite road on the list, Fairfax County Parkway, always feels like an oasis in the middle of jam-packed and chaotic beasts. Rarely packed with cars, this road glitters even brighter because of how miserable 28 is in the morning, and I couldn’t be happier.
7. Loudoun County Parkway: Honey You Got a Big Storm Coming
Unlike its Fairfax counterpart, Loudoun County Parkway is decidedly not empty. The few times I’ve chosen it because Google Maps claims it’s 5 minutes faster, I’ve regretted my decision almost instantly. Deceptively innocent, the foreboding feeling that settles over you as soon as you turn onto it reminds us of this Vine more than anything else.
8. The Beltway: Tapped the Brakes
For me, the Beltway is like 28 and 50 had a baby but instead of being adorable and having tiny feet, it’s actually bigger, badder, faster, stronger and much angrier. The few times I’ve driven on the beltway, I’ve shed several tears but I did not get a McFlurry straw jammed into my esophagus OR in an accident, so I’m chalking it up as a win.
9. Dulles Toll Road: Gimmie Yo F***ing Money
Do I even need to explain myself? The Dulles Toll Road was intended to relieve traffic to surrounding roads (such as our old frenemy, 28) but instead, it’s made absolutely everything worse because of the insane costs on it. Not cool, sis.
We’ll see you on the road, collegiettes!