Content warning: This article contains references to and mentions suicide/self-harm. If you feel this content could be triggering and/or harmful to your mental health, please stop reading now.
‘Still breathing;’, states the tattoo written across my ribcage. For the past year, I have stared at this tattoo countless times in the mirror. Sometimes, tears will brim in my eyes at the reminder of the painful experiences I have gone through. Most times, I will smile and let it serve as a reminder for the rest of my day. ‘Still breathing’: one simple phrase that shows a glimpse into a painful past – and serves as proof that I am still here to tell the story.
September is Suicide Awareness Month. You have probably seen graphics on Instagram stories, Twitter posts, and other social media platforms. The unfortunate reality is that on average, there are 132 suicides per day in America. Every month should raise awareness for how important and crucial mental health help is. Without resources available, it can be very difficult to find hope in difficult times. I am here to tell you that it is okay not to be hopeful – all you need to do is make it through the day. That’s the first step to getting your life back from suicidal ideation.
Let me preface this by stating I am no mental health expert. This is not a story of how my life became magically perfect overnight – that would be far from the truth. I still have struggles and hardships, as most humans do. This is simply how I found light at the end of the tunnel, and how you can find that light (or help somebody else find it). While all struggles are different, all struggles deserve compassion. This is the story of my battle with suicidal thoughts.
Around two years ago, I was struggling very badly with depression and anxiety. I had a great group of friends, a very sweet boyfriend, and an extremely supportive family. I was making decent money at my job, which I loved, and living in one of the best apartment complexes in Tempe, Arizona. Although everything seemed to be going perfectly, I was so deeply unhappy that none of this mattered to me. I would wake up each day with a deep sense of sadness that I could not shake. I knew something was wrong, but I ignored it in hopes it would disappear.
As most things are in life, I quickly found out that suppressing my feelings made it a larger issue. I quickly lost control of my depression and found myself in a constant downward spiral. A couple of months later, it became so bad that I found myself on top of a parking garage praying for answers. I was searching for something that would make me less depressed; whether it was faith, a friend, or a temporary solution, I was willing to give anything a try. I called the suicide hotline number and talked for at least two hours about the struggles I was facing and the whole time, the responder sat and listened without interrupting. Toward the end of the call, she said something that will stick with me forever: “Nothing changes if nothing changes”.
By changing nothing, nothing changes. If I do not work to better myself, I will stay stuck in this mental rut for the rest of my life. This is when I realized something needed to change. If you are looking for a sign to stay alive, this is it. You have the power to take back your life and your mental health. It might seem unattainable, but trust me, it is within your reach, as long as you make the effort to grab it.
There were steps in my mental health progress that contributed largely to my journey of getting my life back from depression. First, I searched far and wide for a therapist to fit my needs (and my insurance). Once I found one, I worked very hard to find a local psychiatrist who could get me in as quickly as possible. Within a week, I was able to get two different types of medication to help my mental health. I created a support group of people I loved and asked them to keep me accountable for bettering myself- and that they did. It was not easy, but it was so worth it.
Mental health is SO important. Through my suffering, I shed lots of tears and spent many nights wondering if being alive was worth it. Tonight, millions of Americans are going to bed asking themselves the same question. Chances are that the majority of people reading this have asked themselves that same question multiple times. With the increasingly high number of mental health issues, it is becoming more and more crucial to get rid of the negative stigma around asking for help. Asking for help is the bravest thing anybody could do.
If you have ever gone to bed wondering if anybody would notice if you disappeared – I understand. I understand where you are coming from, and I see you. I promise, your absence will be felt. Your pets would feel it. Your loved ones would feel it. The people around you would feel it. You are not alone, and you have a full life ahead of you that is worth living.
If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. You can also text the Crisis Text Line by texting HELLO to 741741. You are so loved.
Resources for suicide prevention:
http://actionallianceforsuicideprevention.org/resources
http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx
https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/suicide-prevention/index.shtml