There is this universal idea that when one forms a dream, they should stick to it. We grow up with the wildest of imaginations and we are taught that those things can become a reality. I have never had much doubt that it is possible to make your dreams come true but rather doubt whether it is worth it. I struggled with this same issue growing up. This all started when I joined the drama club for the first time in middle school. I quickly came to the conclusion that I wanted to become a film actress and I would be relentless in the pursuit of this dream.
When high school began, I immersed myself in the theatre. I joined every theatre class and club that I could. Not only that but I decided to get involved behind the scenes as well and join stagecraft. I had the best of both worlds working both behind the stage and on the stage. I felt anxious on the night of my performances and I would question whether acting was for me or not. Then I would watch an award show with some of my favorite actresses sitting in the audience. Something about seeing Meryl Streep on my television inspired me to want to work harder towards my goal.
It became increasingly clearer that I did not enjoy being on stage as much as I enjoyed being in front of the camera. I joined the media club and ended up on the morning announcements at my school. I made friends in that class who enjoyed making films outside of school and they would cast me in leading and supporting roles. At the time, I was going back and forth between this hobby I loved and pursuing a college education. I would take trips to California to film short films and I started to picture my life as a real actress. I started believing that I could make it and nothing in this world would stop me. I eventually got signed to a talent agency in my home state of Arizona and I felt like everything I had ever believed had been confirmed. This was going to be my life and I was going to be an actress.
Little did I know that getting signed to my first legitimate agency was only the start of my last chapter acting. This passion and love for this creative outlet had become a business and a business that I did not want to be a part of. I will never forget this one defining moment in my life when I had a conversation with a former actress. She and I started discussing acting and she told me when you want to become an actress it becomes 95% business and 5% of the actual art. So much of you become consumed with marketing yourself and forming the right connections. You rarely feel the pure enjoyment of getting to read a script and just become a completely different person for a moment in time. I persisted in my dreams of becoming an actress despite my doubts.
It wasn’t until a few months later when an old friend of mine asked me to be in another one of his shorts, that I realized I could no longer act. I had my answer after years of crying, praying, and questioning. I realized I didn’t enjoy it any more when filming his short. I hated being in front of the camera, I hated memorizing the lines, and I felt as if I didn’t do it “right” anymore. On top of all this, I had been volunteering at schools and I was finding this major passion to work with children. This was by no means a quick decision; this was something that took years to figure out. I did not want to throw out everything I put all my energy into, so I held on to it.
That kind of conflict that goes through your head can cause you to want to hold onto things that just might not be for you in the future. It isn’t a bad thing to decide to let go of it all after you put so much into it. In fact, you probably were meant to be that person at one point in time, but it is possible you were only meant to be that then and not in the future. I do believe I was born to be an actress; I just now believe I was meant to be an actress only during that time. This article is not to discourage any person from following their dreams but to provide comfort to those who are unsure. We can feel comfort in knowing whatever is meant for us will be ours and at the right time.