If you are heavily prone to people pleasing, it can often feel easy to become disappointed in yourself out of your fear of disappointing others. It’s a vicious cycle of feeling like everyone else deserves all of your efforts but never taking the time to put that effort into yourself. While it can feel fulfilling to direct your love and attention towards everyone else’s needs, it is not healthy to believe you must be fulfilling these obligations and even non-obligations in order to feel a sense of worth. You are worthy of receiving the love you seek to show everyone else and you deserve to learn how to show that to yourself despite your struggles. This article provides 10 helpful practices to put into place in order to challenge your desire to people please.
Avoid Overcommitting
It’s so easy to want to jump in and volunteer yourself for every possible opportunity, yet it is not realistic. You only have so much energy and effort you can put out without feeling absolutely drained. With that in mind, it is totally okay to learn your limits and know how much of yourself you can give without pushing yourself too far. It is okay to say no despite what your people-pleasing mind may be telling you.
Learn to live with people being discontent
With only being able to do so much at a time, you may end up leaving some people disappointed, and that is okay. If you have been a people pleaser for a while, people may tend to expect you to do everything for everyone and may feel disappointed if you start to express when you can no longer do things the way you have before. This is not a reflection of you being a failure to others, but rather a reflection of how others may place too many expectations on you.
Create Boundaries
Despite what you may tell yourself, it is healthy and necessary to have boundaries that you know will be helpful for you and your own well-being. Not only will these boundaries help you become a better version of yourself, but they will also help you become that better version to those around you. Start small by creating a list of a few things that you may need to assert as your own personal boundaries and go from there, working on how to verbalize those limits.
Do not apologize when it’s not your fault
People pleasers especially struggle with this one. Not everything is your fault and it is not helpful for you or the person you are communicating with to apologize when it is not necessary. Apologizing for things you don’t hold the blame for can make you feel responsible for the problem even when you are not. This places a heavy burden on yourself, one that is unfair to carry. Apologies are good and useful, but only when it is due.
Remind yourself of your inherent worth
Many people pleasers struggle with feeling like their worth comes from what they can do for others. While this is completely untrue, it’s understandable why it is easy to let yourself believe this lie. It feels good and rewarding to provide service and help to others, but that good feeling can be wrongly associated with your own worth and that is when it becomes more dangerous. Reminding yourself that you have worth despite what you do is very important.
Try out a mantra
While it may sound silly, writing out little reminders for yourself such as “I am worthy” or “I am enough” may help remind you of fundamental truths when it is hard to believe them. Placing a little sticky note on your bathroom mirror or a little reminder next to your bed will help you wake up and take on a positive mindset for the day.
practice speaking positively to yourself
Speaking positively about yourself will help you and others see you in that light. Showing yourself the love you deserve is a great first step in being treated better overall. When you catch yourself repeating negative self-talk, take a moment to reflect on that and figure out ways to rephrase how you’re feeling in a way that builds you up rather than tears you down.
Celebrate your accomplishments
It’s not easy to break the cycles of people-pleasing and a negative view of your own self-worth, so your accomplishments along the way deserve to be recognized and celebrated! It might be helpful to make a list of the things you want to work on as well as the things you have worked on and accomplished so that you can look back proudly at where you used to be and where you are as a result of the work you’ve done.
Give yourself space
While this may be especially hard for extroverts, time to yourself is just as important as time within a community. Being comfortable with yourself and having time to recharge and focus on what will help fill you up will be beneficial to a healthy social life and relationship with yourself. It is good to take the time you need for yourself regardless of whether or not others around you understand that.
Ask others for help
It is easy to assume everyone can come to you when they need help, and while that can be good, you also deserve to receive help and feel safe in asking for it. This is hard and takes some time to work on, but starting with small things and working your way up to asking for what you really need from others is very good. It may even be worth looking into forms of counseling or therapy if you feel as though you may benefit from the counsel they offer. Getting help, whether that be from friends and family or professional help, is both acceptable and beneficial to you and your mental health.