I thrive on being positive. I am a type 2 on the Enneagram, so I always want to help people, fix things, and make everything and everyone feel better. As I get older, I have learned it is not always beneficial to try and fix everything, to be constantly positive, or to try to make everyone feel better. In fact, it could have the opposite effect, otherwise known as toxic positivity.
Verywellmind.com defines ‘toxic positivity’ as being the belief that no matter how dire or difficult a situation is, people should maintain a positive mindset. While in theory that may sound favorable, in practice, it is the worst thing ever. And I am guilty of being a person of toxic positivity.
I remember in 3rd grade, my friend cried because she didn’t like the meal the school had provided her for school. I remember I told her, “There are people starving in Africa. Eat your food.” She cried. It was not a good time.
While bold and sassy of me to say, it was okay that she did not want to eat her food. It was okay that she was sad about it. She was hungry and wanted something she liked. Yet, I neglected her feelings and made her feel even worse about not wanting to eat her food. I made her feel like her issue was not important because somebody has it worse. That is not okay.
In my life currently, sometimes I still find myself thinking with a toxic positivity mindset. I’ll think to myself, “Why are they crying about X? There’s people without a roof over their heads.” However, through my growth of understanding emotions and time at Furman especially, I learned how bad that mindset is. Yes, there are people who have it way worse than Furman students, but that does not mean we are not allowed to be sad about things that happen to us.
It sucks when a friend makes you sad. It sucks when a boy or girl breaks your heart. It sucks when you do poorly on a test. It sucks when a family member is ill. It sucks when a pet dies. A lot of things suck. And they all deserve emotions the complete opposite of positive because we are human.
How I fixed my sense of toxic positivity is by making sure I validate the other person’s feelings if they come to me. I make sure I listen to everything they need to say, encourage them to rant if needed, and I am just a friend who is present. No longer do I offer ways to cheer them up or distract (unless they ask for that), but I let them feel their emotions in their entirety. Otherwise, they will feel worse not being able to express them fully.
The worst thing, I’ve experienced, to say is “it could always be worse.” While true, that can be said for any and everything in this life. There will always be someone who has it worse than the struggles you are going through, but that does not make your feelings any less valid or your struggles any less valid. It is important, as people, we come together and try to call ourselves (or our friends) out if we notice habits of toxic positivity. I found it has made not only me a better person, but a better friend and listener when needed.