You can learn a lot from TikTok. From beauty tips to dances to life hacks, the app has provided me with knowledge I would not have gotten elsewhere. Most recently, I learned about attachment styles, and I swear it hit me like a bus.
As I have mentioned before, I was raised by a single dad with six older siblings. My mom has not been in my life for over a decade due to circumstances that were dangerous to my life. With that being said, she still left an impact on me. From abandonment issues to PTSD, her presence in my life made me who I am today: an anxious, overly cautious, people-pleasing, yet detached individual. For years I wondered why I was like this. TikTok helped me figure it out: it is a result of my attachment styles.
There are four types of attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and fearful. After researching these four types, I have discovered that I have a fearful and avoidant attachment style and with that, I have learned a lot.
Fearful attachment people seek yet avoid closeness and can be socially avoidant or avoid intimacy. This resonates with me strongly because I love having close relationships, but at times, I get overwhelmed and push people away before they can push me away. It is a trauma-response undoubtedly, as these attachment styles come from childhood and other experiences that could be deemed as traumatic. I love being friends with everyone and I love to do things; but sometimes, I will find I want to be by myself and cancel plans simply due to being anxious. The same goes for dates or if I like a guy. My fearful attachment style causes me to think the worst, to think I am better off without getting involved with a guy, and it is all a result of past experiences affecting my present life.
Avoidant attachment people are very independent and downplay relationships. It’s the nature of an avoidant: you want to avoid the potential of relationships so you avoid relationships altogether. This one I identify with the strongest. With my upbringing, I was very lucky to be raised by a strong man and family; however, with the experiences with my mom, bullying at school, and other factors, I have always not wanted people to get close to me. I am very independent and do not accept help well. If a guy shows interest in me, I brush it off as him just being friendly. If a girl wants to be my friend, I usually don’t talk about myself if we hang out. I never want to let people get too close to me because when people get close, I can get hurt.
However, being aware of my attachment styles has caused me to actively try and improve them each day. While it has only been a few weeks since my discovery, I talked about it with my therapist and have discussed ways to improve the thoughts that so easily go into my mind as a result of these styles. Thankfully, having one or more of these styles that I identify with does not mean I will always identify with them. I am striving each and every day to have a secure attachment style and to not let my past life affect my present. I write this article today, too, as a step in the right direction. Being vulnerable about this stuff is not easy (although some may think otherwise) but I figured it helped me to hear about attachment styles and it could help someone else to hear my perspective on it all. There are quizzes and charts on the internet to find. If you think you identify with any of the mentioned attachment styles, check it out! Who knows what you might discover about yourself.