My last relationship didn’t end so well. I endured a rather nasty break-up – and I mean nasty. The mother of all breakups, we’ll call it. Every day had left me feeling hurt, angry and confused. It was a grueling cut that just wouldn’t heal. So like every broken-hearted girl, I stuck to the breakup basics: rom-coms, wine nights with the girls and a crap ton of ice cream. I spent all my hours chasing down scraps of serotonin wherever I could find it. While I did find moments of myself laughing and smiling, it didn’t change the fact that I was still scared to go home at night to an empty bedroom, and that it hurt to look in the mirror.
I realized really quickly that face masks and Ben & Jerry’s can only do so much. Without treating the root of whatever it is that’s hurting, all you’re doing is slapping a Band-Aid on a broken heart and calling it a day. If I didn’t sit myself down for a second and give myself a chance to breathe, that cut I mentioned would never heal. Instead, it would fester, infecting other parts of myself, my life and my relationships. However, I knew that the road ahead would not be easy.
When it comes to growth – true, boundless, earth-shattering and awe-inspiring growth – we have two options: trek on through the darkness and face off with our demons or remain a prisoner to past trauma, pain and mistakes. Easier said than done, I know, but nevertheless, I chose the first option. Living in the shadow of what could’ve been is no way to live.
So, I rounded up the self-help books, called up my therapist and drank a big ole’ glass of water (as you should too). I paired face masks with meditation and mirror work, added journaling to my calendar, and rewarded myself with Ben & Jerry’s for finally throwing out his sweatshirts. It wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows. Trust me, there was plenty of angry tears and sleepless nights. The road to healing is not an easy one. It’s bumpy and zig zags and makes terrifying U-turns and cuts you off. You’ll get lost and wonder if you’re doing anything right, but know this: by showing up alone, you’re already halfway home.
I’ll tell you that on this road to healing, the sunsets are more vibrant, and the fruits are far sweeter. If you persist as I did, you’ll make a new best friend in yourself and find that you didn’t just bury the past, you set it free. And I’m so pleased and overflowing with joy to inform you, dear reader, that I myself am finally free.
It’s crucial that you remember that God/The Universe/The Source/The Divine – whatever it is that you want to call the higher power – you need to remember that they love you unconditionally and immensely. Otherwise, they wouldn’t have taken the time to handcraft you from literal stardust. This love that envelops you, whether you feel it or not, means that your best interests are always being taken into account. It means that if you lose something, or if you don’t get what you want, it’s only because you’re going to get something even better, and that’s something to smile about.
The only thing we have control over is how we respond to the world around us. We don’t control our world – the Universe does. There’s something so beautifully calming in knowing that the one who controls the motions of our Universe – from the inner-workings of supernovas to the weather on your way to work – is the same one who created you and who loves you so much.
It was in knowing this that I loosened my grip on life and gave new meaning to the tired cliché of “trusting the process.”
I’m learning to let things flow through me and around me, like a rock in a riverbed, but to rarely let something stick. I accept the things I cannot change or control and I regard them as little love letters from the Universe saying, “I got this.” When people leave or things change, instead of running away from sadness, I welcome the loss in my heart just as you’d welcome in an old friend for tea. I let myself feel it – all of it – and then with all the Light I can muster, I thank the Universe for the memories and the lessons and the experience of knowing those people, places and things. Then, I do something that a year ago, I would’ve never thought possible.
I let go.
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