There comes a point after a breakup when your brain develops a very selective memory. Suddenly, the arguments don’t seem that serious, the reasons you stopped talking feel less important, and all you can remember are the “good morning” texts, the shows you watched together, and the little things you miss about having that person in your life. Before you know it, you’re staring at their contact, convincing yourself that a simple “hey” to your ex couldn’t possibly do that much damage.
Trust me, I get it.
With Venus being in retrograde and what feels like an endless series of fall breakups, there’s something in the air lately. Whether you believe in astrology or just appreciate having something to blame for your questionable romantic decisions, it’s certainly an interesting time to be someone’s ex.
However, something I’ve been learning is that missing someone doesn’t necessarily mean I want them back. Sometimes I miss the familiarity, the routine, or just having someone to tell about my day. And while I can’t pretend I’ve mastered the art of moving on, I’ve found a few alternatives to reopening a conversation I worked so hard to close.
- CALL A FRIEND WHO KNOWS THE LORE
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Don’t just call any friend. I’m talking about the friend who witnessed every plot twist, read every text, and remembers exactly why things ended when I conveniently seem to forget. Sometimes all it takes is hearing someone else’s perspective to remember that the relationship wasn’t quite as perfect as nostalgia makes it seem.
Personally, I’d rather call someone who knows the whole story than ask a mutual friend!
- CONSULT THE SCREENSHOTS
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Unfortunately, nostalgia tends to remember the highlight reel and forget everything that happened behind the scenes. That’s where the screenshot album comes in. When I catch myself romanticizing the past, remembering the full story can be a useful reality check. The cute messages might still exist, but so do the conversations that made me realize things weren’t working.
- PLAN A GIRLS NIGHT
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One of my favorite ways to stop sitting around thinking about someone is to make plans with my friends. Whether it’s getting dressed up for a night out, staying in with takeout and a rom-com, or just lying around together doomscrolling reels and sending them to each other from across the room, I’ve found that a change of scenery and some good company can make a difference.
It’s easy to get caught up in everything you miss about a relationship and forget how much fun you can have without one. And on nights when everyone’s busy, I’ve started appreciating my own company a little more, whether that means taking myself out somewhere I’ve wanted to try or finally starting that show my ex would’ve hated. Turns out, having complete control over the remote is a pretty underrated perk of being single.
- RECLAIM THE THINGS YOU STOPPED DOING
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Relationships can make it surprisingly easy to lose track of little parts of yourself. Maybe there’s a hobby I stopped making time for, an outfit I never wore, or something I loved doing before my weekends revolved around another person. Start thinking less about everything you lost and more about everything you get to rediscover. Sometimes being single feels less like starting over and more like returning to myself.
- FINALLY DO THAT THING YOU WERE PUTTING OFF
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You know that thing you’ve been saying you’ll do for months? The class you wanted to take, the project you wanted to start, or the goal that somehow kept getting pushed to next week? I’ve realized how easy it is to get comfortable in a routine and forget about all the things I wanted to accomplish independently. I’d much rather spend an evening finally following through on one of those plans than waiting for a text.
- MAKE AN EXTREMELY SPECIFIC BREAKUP PLAYLIST
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Every breakup deserves a soundtrack, preferably one with an unnecessarily dramatic emotional progression. I’m talking about songs for crying, songs for being angry, songs for feeling slightly delusional, and eventually songs that make you remember you’re actually doing just fine. Sometimes I need a song that perfectly captures how I’m feeling, rather than trying to explain those feelings to someone who might not understand them.
Since I’ve already done the hard work of curating a playlist for every stage of heartbreak, I figured I might as well share it. Consider this your soundtrack for whatever phase of moving on you’re currently in.
- MAKE NEW MEMORIES IN OLD PLACES
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One of the strangest things about a breakup is how ordinary places can suddenly feel attached to another person. A favorite restaurant, a particular coffee shop, or even a certain street can bring back memories you weren’t expecting. I like the idea of visiting somewhere completely new, but I also don’t want to give up places I love just because I once went there with someone else. Making new memories with friends feels like a way of making those places mine again.
- DO SOMETHING THEY’LL NEVER KNOW ABOUT
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This might be my favorite one. After a breakup, it’s tempting to treat every Instagram story like a carefully constructed message. The perfect outfit, the fun night out, the suspiciously specific song choice. Suddenly, you’re technically not speaking to someone but still wondering whether they’ve seen everything you’re doing.
Here’s something I’ve been trying to remember: not every good moment needs an audience. I can have an amazing day, feel beautiful, or accomplish something exciting without wondering whether the news will somehow reach my ex.
- STOP LOOKING FOR SIGNS FROM THE UNIVERSE
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I love astrology as much as the next girl, but even I have to admit that Venus being in retrograde isn’t a legally binding reason to text someone. Neither is getting Snapchat memory flashbacks, seeing a post on Instagram that they happen to be in, or having a suspiciously realistic dream about them.
It’s easy to find meaning in coincidences when part of you is already hoping for a reason to reach out. But I’ve been learning that revisiting an old feeling doesn’t necessarily mean I need to revisit the person.
- DELETE. DELETE. DELETE. GO TO SLEEP
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Sometimes the most effective thing I can do is simply remove the opportunity. Delete the drafted message, put the phone down, set it across the room, and call it a night.
I’ve noticed that the urge to send a deeply emotional text feels significantly less urgent after a full night’s sleep. If I’m still thinking about it tomorrow, at least I can consider why without midnight nostalgia clouding it.
Getting over someone isn’t always one dramatic moment when you suddenly stop caring. Sometimes it’s a series of much smaller moments when you miss them, remember the good parts, and still decide not to reach out.
And whether Venus retrograde is bringing up old feelings or I’m just having one of those nights, I’m learning that I can acknowledge the past without going back to it.
Venus can go backward, but we don’t have to.
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