This isn’t a success story of someone who has learned to love themselves completely in a sea of flawless complexions and elevated beauty standards. This isn’t a how-to that guarantees a boost in confidence. But this is the truth. An honest conversation with myself, and now, you as well. The concept of body image is always something I’ve been aware of growing up, like a permanent second shadow following me around. I have been no stranger to harsh words about my weight from myself and many others. I experienced a string of tough hardships throughout my first two years at Florida State University. There was a lot of change coming into my life in terms of health, spirituality, career, etc. and I was navigating it all on my own. During Spring Break of sophomore year, I returned to my home town for the first time in a few months. Friends and family members began commenting on my appearance. It wasn’t a conscious thought for me that I was losing weight. I was just naturally adjusting my lifestyle to the conditions I was in at the time. But I started looking in the mirror more and seeing that I was in fact, changing physically as well. It was weird for me. At first, I was very excited to be told how “small” and “great” I looked. I put these words in quotes now because as I look back, they don’t feel so good to hear anymore. For a while the compliments were intoxicating. I felt supported by another person’s validation. People congratulated me as if I had finally broken away from something bad.
There’s not a lot of honest and open-minded dialogue circulating around body image. Although it’s easy to say that everyone is beautiful, people don’t realize their language, actions and behavior often speak otherwise. For instance, clothes shopping is an experience I never loved. I am prone to having even lower self-esteem during that time. Often, I’d be sitting on the bench near the dressing room and hear a girl say to her friend, “I feel so fat.” Comments like this have made my cheeks go red with embarrassment. Over time people have molded the word fat to be synonymous with feeling gross. It is an uncomfortable process learning how to set boundaries with myself about how I speak of my own body and how I allow others to engage in that conversation too. Most of the time I am still too shy to speak about it. I don’t want my weight to be a staggering characteristic of me. Truthfully there are days when it’s hard to feel good, as I look at thinner women galivanting across television screens, magazine covers, Instagram feeds and all other places. It feels like the world is already looking down on me as if there is a price tag of shame that I was meant to bear, but I am holding space for myself to feel differently about that.
Courtesy: Amador Valley Today
Health is comprised of many variables. It extends beyond the physical aspect and can be constantly shifting. I am learning how to navigate a life that works best for my sense of self-confidence. I think it’s very important to be aware of my physical, mental and spiritual health because I am my first provider. It’s not easy for me to be so open about the struggles I go through, but I think that every person willing to speak up is a step further in the right direction. People who are not society’s vision of ‘normal weight’ deserve to feel like they belong, and they are valid being exactly who they are. Body image is a presence felt by many human beings, so we shouldn’t feel ashamed to discuss it, or at least that’s what I’m telling myself these days. Maybe you will too.
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