For the longest time, I thought explaining myself was just… being polite. Being considerate or being “nice.” If I said no, I always justified it. If I cancelled plans, I needed a reason that sounded valid enough. If I chose myself, I had to explain why. Not just once, but thoroughly, gently, and with zero room for misunderstanding.
Somewhere along the way, I realised I wasn’t explaining myself to be understood. I was explaining myself to be accepted. And that’s where the problem started.
When Explaining Yourself Becomes a Habit
Over-explaining sneaks up on you quietly. It starts with small things. You don’t just say, “I can’t come.” You say, “I can’t come because I’m really tired and I had a long day and I have work tomorrow and I promise I’ll make it up to you.”
You don’t just say, “I don’t feel like it.” You add a whole paragraph explaining your mood, your mental state, your schedule, and your intentions. Suddenly, a simple decision needs a disclaimer.
At first, it feels harmless. You think you’re being respectful. But slowly, explaining yourself becomes a reflex. Before you know it, you’re asking for permission to live your own life.
College Teaches You This the Hard Way
College is where this habit really gets tested. Everyone has opinions whether that’s about how often you go home, how social you are, what clubs you join, how much you study, or how you spend your weekends.
You skip a plan? Explain. You leave early? Explain. You don’t show up? Explain.
I found myself constantly justifying choices that felt natural to me. Why I wanted a quiet night in, why I wasn’t up for socialising, why I didn’t want to attend every single event on campus. The more I explained, the more I realised something uncomfortable. The people who respected me never needed an explanation in the first place.
The Guilt That Comes With Saying Less
The hardest part about stopping isn’t the silence. It’s the guilt. The moment you stop explaining yourself, you start worrying. Did I sound rude? Do they think I don’t care? Should I have clarified more?
We’re taught as women that being understood is more important than being comfortable. That being liked matters more than being honest. Research even shows that, from a young age, women are often taught to care more about connection and keeping everyone comfortable, which often makes explaining ourselves feel almost necessary in order to maintain harmony and be ‘heard’. So when you start responding with simple sentences instead of essays, it feels wrong. Almost selfish.
But here’s the thing no one tells you: self-respect often feels uncomfortable at first. Not because you’re doing something wrong, but because you’re doing something new.
Not Everyone Needs Access to You
One of the biggest lessons I learned was that explanations are not owed to everyone.
You don’t need to explain your boundaries to people who constantly cross them. You don’t need to justify your choices to people who’ve already decided to misunderstand you. You also definitely don’t need to exhaust yourself trying to make your decisions palatable to everyone else.
Some people will accept your “no.” Others will demand a reason. The difference tells you everything you need to know.
Choosing Peace Over Being Understood
There was a time when I thought clarity would fix everything. That if I just explained myself well enough, people would understand me better. But clarity doesn’t always bring peace. Sometimes, it just invites more questions.
Now, I’m learning to let my decisions exist without defending them. To let silence sit where an explanation used to be. To trust that the right people will understand without needing footnotes.
And honestly? It’s freeing.
I Still Do It (And That’s Okay)
Here’s the honest part: I still explain myself. I literally did it today. And that doesn’t make everything I’ve written so far invalid. Learning when to stop explaining yourself doesn’t mean you suddenly become this ultra-confident, unbothered person who never overthinks again. It just means you start noticing when you’re doing it and why.
There are moments where explaining yourself is completely normal and even necessary. When you care about someone, when you’re having an honest conversation, or when it’s your best friend and you want them to understand where you’re coming from. That kind of explaining comes from clarity, not fear.
The problem isn’t explaining yourself. It’s over-explaining when you don’t need to. It’s filling silences because you’re uncomfortable. It’s justifying choices that don’t require approval. You don’t owe everyone the same level of access to your thoughts, your time, or your reasons.
Honestly, learning this is a process. Some days you’ll say less. Other days you’ll still explain too much. Both are okay. What matters is knowing that you don’t have to explain yourself to everyone, every time, especially not when it costs you your peace.
Self-Respect Is Quiet
Self-respect doesn’t announce itself loudly. It doesn’t argue. It doesn’t convince. It simply chooses and moves on.
Stopping the habit of over-explaining doesn’t mean you become cold or careless. It just means you start trusting yourself enough to stand by your choices without needing validation.
So the next time you feel the urge to over-explain, pause. Ask yourself who you’re really explaining it for. If it’s not coming from a place of clarity or kindness and instead it’s coming from fear, then maybe that explanation isn’t necessary at all.
Because self-respect doesn’t begin when others understand you.
It begins the moment you stop trying so hard to be understood.