Here on Her Campus, there are lots of great informative articles on red flags, thinks to look out for when starting a new relationship that might be a sign of bad things to come. It’s really important to be wary of red flags, to help you avoid unhealthy or dangerous relationships, but what about the opposite? What green flags are there to give you a sign that a relationship is worth pursuing and that this is a person you can trust to treat you well? No green or red flags could ever be foolproof, but it’s a nice guide of things to look out for to see if you’re on the right track.
1. Good long-lasting friendships
If you want an idea of how someone will treat a romantic partner, look at their friendships. If someone is rarely in arguments or drama with friends, and has proven they can hold down a healthy friendship, that is a good sign for their romantic relationships too. Also, good friendships are often a good base to help a healthy relationship form, they provide a good support network of people they can turn to for advice and comfort, and just to spend quality time with. This might mean your relationship is less likely to turn into an unhealthy obsession, as you are not the only important person in their life, and you’re more likely to be able to ride through tough times together.
2. Healthy hobbies
As I suggested in the first point, for a relationship to be able to go the distance (ah Hercules), you need lives outside of one another, and ways to cope when things get tough. This includes having hobbies that you enjoy and that benefit your mental health. These should be hobbies that don’t require you to be drunk/under the influence, and that give you a kind of ‘happy place’.
By ‘healthy’ I certainly don’t mean that the hobby has to be actively improving your physical health, (although it shouldn’t be actively harming it). A healthy hobby could be a sport or form of fitness, but it also could be things like gardening, gaming, reading, baking etc. You and your partner both having a few healthy hobbies can be a green flag for the health of your future relationship.
3. Civil with their ex
They don’t have to be best friends, but it’s definitely a good sign that you’re heading into a healthy relationship if your partner is respectful of their ex(s). This being the opposite of the MAJOR red flag of the classic ‘my ex was a psycho’ line. Firstly, you often find out sooner or later that those ‘super paranoid psycho behaviours’ by their ex were actually in response to their negative behaviour.
When a partner (or future partner) is regularly insulting their ex (especially their appearance) or using criticising them as a way to warn you what not to do, its manipulative and a sign that if things started going south in your relationship, they would start speaking about you in the same way. On the other hand, if they speak fairly of their ex, and could have a conversation with them without combusting, it’s a good sign. There are obvious exceptions to this rule, you wouldn’t expect them to be friendly with an abusive ex partner. In general, a relatively friendly and polite relationship with their ex is a green flag.
4. How they act when annoyed/in an argument
This one is SUPER important! Green flags in an argument (sounds like an oxymoron I know) include things like your partner being oriented towards solving the problem rather than escalating the argument or trying to upset you. You both should be trying to understand why each of you are upset/mad and come to a conclusion that fixes the problem. They should also be willing to make up and move on without holding grudges or giving you the silent treatment, and with the intention to make changes to avoid a repeat of the same issue.
Arguments should just feel like the two of you are disagreeing over something, they should not feel like your love for each other is threatened. No one enjoys arguing, but an argument/disagreement with your partner shouldn’t scare you. Your partner shouldn’t seem ready to end the relationship every-time there is a disagreement, and should never shout at you or use insults and absolutely NEVER threaten/use violence.
5. You don’t find yourself worrying about the relationship
This took me a while to realise, but if a relationship is healthy and happy you shouldn’t have to worry about it. You shouldn’t have to worry if your partner is secretly mad at you, or if they are breaking your trust, or if they really like you at all. If you are someone with anxiety it can be hard not to worry about these things, even if there is no ground for it. The important distinction here is to think whether your partner has given you any reason to worry.