It’s important to be remorseful when you have done wrong, of course, but all too often people (especially women) are apologising simply for existing. Women are constantly mitigating their language so as not to seem rude or be branded as a b***h. But actually, this could be holding us back, lowering our self-esteem, and making us less assertive.
Researching for this article, again and again I came across studies which had found the same thing: men and women are just as likely to apologise when they think they have made a mistake, but women’s threshold for be that requires an apology is far lower (according to a 2010 study in Psychological Science). As Dr. Maja Jovanovic, sociology professor author of Hey Ladies, Stop Apologizing and Other Career Mistakes Women Make, writes, “the problem is men find very few infractions deserving of an apology, and women are apologizing for just about everything”.
I am not trying to suggest that this is the case for every man or woman, but that this is a common trend and you could be doing yourself a disservice. As neuroscientist Tara Swart beautifully puts it: “apologizing when we have done something wrong is a real strength, but compulsive apologizing presents as a weakness”.
Apologising regularly reinforces to yourself and others that you are in the wrong, making it easy for people to dismiss you and your ideas, before you have even said them. Even just saying “sorry” when someone has bumped into you reinforces your own inferiority.
One of the 8 Tips for Building Assertive Communication Skills as a Woman by Julie Kantor is “Stop saying ‘sorry’ for something that you don’t need to be sorry for. Rather than using it to mitigate being strong, just say what you really mean.”
A Stanford Business school study (2011) found that in business, the most successful women are those who display confidence, assertiveness, and aggressiveness and the ability to turn these traits on and off. In other words – knowing when to apologise and when not to.
It is so important not to constantly diminish yourself, as this behaviour appears to seep across workplace trends: Cornell University found that men overestimate their abilities and performance, while women underestimate both; similarly a Hewlett Packard internal report found that men apply for a job or promotion when they meet only 60% of the qualifications, but women apply only if they meet 100% of them.
Apologising is damaging our confidence and preventing upward progression! The Impostor Phenomenon, by Pauline Claunce and Suzanne Imes, is a great look into the idea that women often feel like they don’t deserve their job – I feel that apologising for having ideas might add to this feeling!
I completely relate to the fear of not wanting to appear disrespectful, and I am finding it to be a really hard habit to break, so here are some alternative phrases we can all try:
- “Excuse me.”
- “Go ahead”
- “After you”
- “I have an idea….”
- “I’d like to expand on that…”
- “Thank you for listening…”
- “Thank you for catching that….”
- “I appreciate you bringing this error to my attention….”
- “Thank you for waiting for me…”
Have a little look at how often you find yourself apologising this week!