Around this time of year, our focus is on spending time with the people we love and doing cute Christmassy things with our gal pals and romantic partners. But, what do you do if you’re not enjoying your relationship with someone anymore? Well, here at HCX, we believe that you can categorise people into two main sections; radiators (people that warm up your life, bring heat and leave you with a soft glow) and drains (those who, you guessed it, drain on your happiness). But how can you spot the dreaded drains? Here are a few signals to look out for…
1.If every time you see them you end up feeling worse.
Hanging out with the people you like is supposed to be fun, right? But if you find that spending time with someone is emotionally draining you, it might be time to cut the cord. Now, we know listening to your boyfriend rant about his boss or being there for your friend in need is all part of the deal, but if they end up using you as an emotional rubbish tip, it’ll start to take its toll on you. Being around people who constantly offload all their problems on you can be detrimental to your wellbeing and happiness, especially if you don’t get the support you need from them in return.
We all go through tough times, and having your friends or loved ones around to support you can make all the difference, just watch out for people who constantly use you as their problem dump!
If you feel like this after every meet up, they might be having a negative impact on your life…
2.They don’t make enough time for you, or drop you at the last second.
Again, this is a pretty obvious one to spot, but it can take a lot of time, and a lot of being stood up, before we realise that actually this person doesn’t care enough. If the people in your life are constantly busy and cancelling only to rearrange and to then cancel again, they’re messing you around. Not only are they draining on your time, but also your patience!
3.They make you feel insecure or like you can’t be yourself around them.
This one’s pretty self-explanatory; the people you surround yourself with should make you feel the best version of you you can possibly be. If your boyfriend is always telling you watch your weight or your friends are constantly questioning your outfit choices, they’re not letting you be yourself, let alone helping you grow (like all good relationships should). Growing up is hard enough as it is without trying to fit yourself into someone else’s expectations. There are so many people in the world, you can find some to love you for every bit of who you are!
4. They don’t respect you.
This one can be a bit harder to spot. Remember when your best friend got with that guy she knew you’d been crushing on for the past five years? She’s not respecting your feelings or your friendship, and you don’t have to put up with it. Does your partner always laugh at your life goals, or pressure you for sex when they know you don’t want to? Do your parents always undermine your choices? All of these are signs that the person you’re dealing with doesn’t respect you, and it might be time to face the music…
So, now you know who’s draining on your happiness, what do you do if it’s time to ditch them?
There are a couple of ways to deal with the drains in your life, some more brutal than others….
1. Tell them.
“You’re a drain Cindy and you’re ruining my life!!!!” might not be the best way to bring up the problem, but having an open and frank discussion is often one of the best ways to work through an issue. More often than not, people won’t realise that they’re being a bad friend or draining on you, and their behaviour is temporary. If you tell your loved one in an honest and calm way, chances are they’ll appreciate it and make a change.
Having an honest chat can avoid it all building up and coming out in a Gretchen-esque outburst.
2. The classic ‘slow fade’. (works well for draining family members who you can’t cut ALL ties with)
Sometimes the issue isn’t as easily solved, and your relationship may not survive the D-Day of emotional chats. If this is the case, it might be easier to just start hanging out with other people and distance yourself. Make sure not to leave your friend in the lurch or alone, but if you’re sure they’re happy with other friends, you can arrange to see them less and less. Lots of relationships work better from a distance, and maybe keeping in touch but not letting them have a starring role in your life is a good way to let keep your drain happy while not letting them bring you down!
3. The break-up.
Whether this is a break up with a romantic partner, or a friend, sometimes it just has to be done. The phrase ‘if things aren’t adding up in your life, start subtracting‘ rings true in this case; if your relationship is no longer impacting on your life in a positive way, it’s time to let it go. This is the hardest solution to your drainage issue, but however hard the break up will be, we promise future you will thank you for getting rid of the negative people in your life, even if you don’t see it yet!
Be reasonable; everyone, including you, is a drain at one point or another in their lives, that’s just part of the roller coaster, but remember there’s a difference between helping out a friend in need and constantly being around negative people!
The journey to happiness starts with who you take along for the ride…