Please know that this piece contains references to disordered eating. If you find this subject triggering, please be careful and keep yourself safe. Decide if you’re in a good place to expose yourself to material about this subject. For resources, including a helpline, screening tool, and community blog, visit https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org.
I’m going to go out on a limb and say that I am banana bread’s biggest fan. I don’t know anyone else who brings it up quite as much as me. It’s my go-to fun fact in icebreakers. It was my tinder bio. I love banana bread.
I grew up snacking on it at my grandmother’s house. She helped me bake it from scratch. I have vivid memories of watching the Madeline TV show cooking episode (my favorite) and smelling it in the air. I remember the last time we made it together. After she died, it was years until I had it again. I was at a bake sale and saw a comically small loaf in a ceramic pan. I bought it and memories flooded back when I took a bite.
Sometimes, I find it ironic to know that I have such a deep love for this food while having struggled with eating for the bulk of my adolescence. I don’t really remember when it started. I’ve never received an official diagnosis, so I will not be classifying it beyond the names my old therapist and I gave it: “my weird-food thing” and “disordered eating.” I won’t go into detail about it beyond this. I did put a trigger warning on this piece, but I never want to potentially expose someone to details that could make their recovery harder. I also don’t think it’s healthy for me to go back and analyze my old thought patterns.
I struggled with this throughout middle school and high school. I relapsed when I first came to college. I relapsed over quarantine. Even now, I am doing better, but it’s something I must always recognize. I used to be in a place where I could forget that I have this “weird-food thing” and still be able to eat and recognize hunger cues. Currently, if I forget, chances are that I will also forget to eat. It’s not so much a choice to skip, as much as it’s a deeper instinct.
So, sometimes, the fact that I turned this food into a personality trait is a little surprising. During quarantine, and a subsequent relapse back into these destructive habits, I also began to bake. While I did primarily make banana bread from box mix, I also began making cupcakes, brownies, and, my second favorite, blueberry-less blueberry muffins. (Trust me, just skip adding in blueberries all together. It’s fantastic!)
Initially, whenever I was stressed, I would bake something. That proved to mean I was baking way too much, so I had to cut down from that rule. At one point, I had three-dozen cupcakes and a batch of brownies in our small fridge. I modified this into two batches of baked goods a week, plus whenever I received an email from EmmanuelForward. (Let’s not talk about the day Emmanuel went online for the semester. My poor oven.)
No matter what my life is looking like, I always manufacture happy moments when I make food. I have a baking playlist, called “the great British baking show but make it my kitchen”. This playlist is full of songs that help me create a good atmosphere, including “Almost (Sweet Music)” by Hozier, “Girls” by girl in red, and “It Gets Better” by Rex Orange County. I sing along with these. I dance. I keep myself simultaneously focused on the joy I am feeling and the process of making food.
That’s why I stick to box mixes: they’re so easy. I don’t need to worry about measuring ingredients beyond cups of oil and water and counting eggs. It’s not about the actual process of making these goods, but about the joy I get from creating them.
It’s not like I pick out a Betty Crocker mix from the store and magically feel better. It’s a process. I am on a long, non-linear journey to “fix” my relationship with food. It’s working to get to a point again where I can consistently forget that I have a “weird food thing” and just eat in a way that gives myself nourishment until I feel full. It’s reminding myself that yes, liking banana bread is a perfectly acceptable personality trait.
If you’re also struggling with eating habits, please consult a professional and reach out to people in your life. See if your college offers low-charge or free counseling. What works for me, in addition to all of these resources, is creating happy moments with food. Try to do that. Create a playlist and just remind yourself of the joy that can happen when you nourish yourself well and with things that make you happy. Remember that recovery is not linear. I am proud of you for all the progress you make, including all the little victories along the way.