Before I begin, let me tell you that the concept of putting myself before other people is fairly new to me. I’ve always struggled with the idea of prioritizing my feelings and myself. The idea that I wasn’t as good as the people around me somehow got ingrained in me and that led me to always put everyone else in front of me. Add to that the Eastern world’s idea of collectivism, I saw caring about other people’s feelings more than my own as one of the most normal aspects of human behavior and life.
Again, before we go any further, I want to let you know that putting yourself before other people isn’t degrading them in any way. It is about loving and caring about yourself. It’s a very simple idea, too. Don’t ever do anything that you don’t want to. It can be your best friend asking you to go prank someone with them, your significant other taking you on a date that you don’t want to go on or even your parents making you choose a career path you don’t want. This doesn’t mean you’re telling these people that they aren’t worth your time or that they have no right to give you advice on your life. It simply means that you are going to start taking care of yourself, especially your mental health.
I’m not going to deny that saying no to people, especially the ones that you spend all your time with can be a very awkward situation. But you just have to do it. Telling a person that what they’re making you do is making you feel inferior can be very hard, as there is a chance that they can take it the wrong way. But you need to understand that when you don’t tell people how you actually feel and do the things that you want to do, you are straining the relationship you have with them. For example, if your best friend is pushing you to do things for her that you don’t want to, she might not even know that you don’t like what you’re being put through. You shouldn’t be afraid to voice your feelings just for the fear of hurting the other person. Or even worse, you slowly start associating negative things with said friend, like uncomfortable conversations or sad memories, and you begin to develop a certain kind of fear or contempt towards them. Not only are you now constantly putting yourself under a lot of stress by being a pushover, you’re also losing out on a person that you know is great.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean in the smaller things like staying up a little late chatting with someone even if you’re very tired or going out to eat at a place you’re not particularly fond of. No, doing this is making a compromise that every person needs to do to make a relationship with anyone work. I am talking about the bigger things, like having to go console a friend when you’re not feeling very well yourself. You don’t have to go see a friend and help them get through something if you’re going through something yourself. They are stressing out just like you are and they are reaching out to you because they know you can help them and that you will ask for help the same way when you need it (And honestly, if someone only takes and doesn’t give you anything back, they’re not really worthy of your time.)
If you don’t put your wants and needs above those of others, what is the point? This is your life. Whether you see it like this or not, you are the most important person in your life. You can love someone more than you love yourself, but that doesn’t mean you start to let this love take over you and step all over your ideas, wants and needs. They could be really good people who don’t realize they are doing it or they think you are okay with what they are doing, but you need to prioritize yourself. You need to put a foot down and say, “This is what you want and it’s different from what I want and sometimes, that’s okay. I am going to do what I want to do instead, but that doesn’t mean you’re not important to me. It’s just that I am important to me, too!” See the difference it makes?
You not only get out of situations that you really don’t want to be in (or at least open the possibility of getting out if the situation is really sticky, especially in life altering ones), but you also are building a healthier and more honest relationship with the person. In addition, you are going to put yourself first, so that increases your self-esteem and makes you seem more valuable to yourself. You also have less stress. Putting yourself first doesn’t just get you out of things, it makes you a freer person. Who knows, maybe you’ll end up reading more Her Campus articles now that you don’t have to go on that awful restaurant-hopping sesh with the bestie!