When I think about body-bashing, I think of that iconic scene from Mean Girls where Regina and her crew are standing in front of a mirror complaining about the parts of their bodies they hate the most. Regina complains about man-shoulders and big pores, Gretchen says she has a weird hairline, and Karen whines about bad nail beds. All Cady can think of is that she has bad morning breath—it never fails to make me laugh. But there’s something else going on just beneath the surface here and it has everything to do with the way we talk about our bodies.
College can be a time of significant change in a lot of ways, whether you’re staying close to home or moving across the country, and you’re transitioning to a whole new way of life and our bodies are no exception to this. Many people experience either significant weight gain, weight loss, or fluctuate more than they have in the past. A lot of this has to do with changing eating habits, availability of healthy food resources, mounting levels of stress, declining mental health, and social factors. According to an article published by the student health services at Georgetown University, “74% of normal-weight females reported being unhappy with their weight or appearance… and 20% of college students experience disordered eating of some type.” I think it’s safe to say that body image is inextricably part of the college conversation, but what’s the healthiest way to talk about it?
I’m the first to admit that I don’t have the perfect relationship with my body. I played soccer growing up and developed a more muscular build early on(aka massive thighs and a big butt). It was one of my biggest insecurities for a really long time, but I was luckier than most. My dad is a psychology professor who specializes in body image and body dysmorphia, so I really couldn’t have had a better voice of reason in the back of my head. He was always there to tell me that I was normal and to stop comparing myself to other people whose image was unrealistic. And, yet, sometimes when standing in front of a mirror I can’t help but pinch the part of my stomach squished by my jeans or ask my friends if they think I’ve gained weight. And, I’ll be the first to tell you that it’s okay to feel insecure about your body and want to talk about it.
If you’re feeling negative about your body, and maybe your friends are too, here’s what I suggest: Try to avoid generalized body-bashing and abrasive words, replace them with concrete reasons, and share your thoughts as explicitly as possible. Saying, “I hate my thighs, they’re so gross” doesn’t mean much other than that you hate something about yourself. 2019 is all about self-love, so we’re putting the use of the word “hate” when talking about our bodies to rest as well. And, we’re also canceling the word fat. Don’t say, “I feel fat in this” or “I feel fat today.” Doing so is equating fat to when you feel gross or bad and that’s just not kosher. Fat isn’t bad, it’s just part of our bodies. Try expressing something like, “I don’t like my thighs today. They seem really big and jiggly to me and I have a lot of cellulite.” Those very real and descriptive complaints are something you, and possibly your friends, can grasp onto. You may be feeling just a general dislike toward your body, but it helps to be able to pinpoint where it’s coming from. It’ll take the heat off your entire self and allow you to really consider why you feel this way.
If you’re having this conversation with your friends or maybe a parent or S.O., it’s important to listen to what they have to say. Body dysmorphia is a very real thing. You may be seeing something in the mirror that your brain is telling you is real, but because of years of conditioning from media influences and internalized standards, what you’re seeing is skewed. Believe it or not, often times when your friends say “I don’t know what you’re talking about, your thighs aren’t that big, their toned” they are actually right. They may have a more realistic view of your body than you do, so trust them. Try to see your body from their point of view and don’t just shrug it off as obligated words of love. On the flipside, if you’re dealing with the friend who’s struggling with their body image, don’t just dismiss them and tell them they’re beautiful. You want to find a balance between validating their feelings and supporting a positive self-view. Try something like, “I’m sorry you’re feeling that way about yourself, I think your thighs make you look athletic and curvy.” Ask if there’s something you can do, maybe make a plan to go to the gym together or a pact to eat better if they’re looking for ways to improve how they feel about their body. At the end of the day, self-love is all about accepting yourself or, at least, taking the steps you need to to feel good about yourself.