I am the friend with the eating disorder, and I too have been a friend to people with an eating disorder. After coming to the realisation that I couldn’t do it on my own, I finally sought treatment in my first term at university. I have had to come to terms with long-awaited changes, that have left me in mental turmoil on many occasions. I have been asked by other people who share the same burden as me, how I’m doing it at a university 150 miles away from my home, and completely feeding myself, and making my own decisions. My answer to this is very simple – my friends. Or should I say, friend. I struggled in silence in the first term, and constantly was on the phone to my family for reassurance that I was doing the right thing. Since actually starting weekly appointments in the second term, I found it really hard to not speak to someone face to face about how I was feeling about it all. So I opened up to one of my now closest friends. I hope she reads this, because Georgie – I really couldn’t do this without you.
So, speaking from the perspective of both the sufferer and the friend, I think I can offer some advice to those who perhaps don’t know what to say, or do to try and support someone with an eating disorder.
- Read about them if you haven’t already! The stereotypes portrayed in the media are often false, and there are many more eating disorders than you think. I recommend these websites as a starter.
- After 7 years with anorexia, being weight restored and then relapsing and then weight restored and relapsing a second time, I really don’t need to hear that I have gained weight, or that I have lost weight, especially in the early stages of recovery. For me, they simply fuelled the fire that I was trying to put out, and I struggled then, to see clearly again. I am aware that the thoughts I have are irrational, but in the same way that optical illusions don’t disappear even though you know it’s an illusion, my thoughts don’t disappear either. So, it’s probably best to keep comments on body shape/size etc to a minimum. This doesn’t mean never compliment the person, though! Just don’t point out changes, because I can guarantee – your friend is already aware of them.
- Give them a hug when you see them. Sometimes what brightens my day is a smile and a hug from those that I love.
- If you find something particularly good for your own mental health – recommend it! Georgie has recommended about 600000 books to me, and although I am pretty much broke, my love for reading has been rekindled. I can wholeheartedly say that thanks to Georgie, I feel like the old me again. There really is nothing like a good book.
- Do things with them that involve food (if they’re comfortable!). I have found this MOST helpful. I go out for coffee nearly every day now, and that is something I really struggled to force myself to do alone. It became much easier when someone did it with me, and now I have no issue.
- Don’t think that you can’t talk about food or even get food out in front of them. Trust me, the person with the eating disorder loves food just as much as you do.
- Don’t comment on how much/how little they’re eating. Again, this will add fuel to the fire. If it seems like “a lot” to you, then trust me, it most definitely is “a lot” to your friend.
- Do other activities together, that will take their mind off it. My personal favourites are going for walks and going to the cinema/watching films.
- Eating disorders are very scary, so look after yourself too. If it gets overwhelming and you don’t think you can handle it, it is okay to take a step back. Your friend will understand, they know that having an eating disorder isn’t a one-sided affair. It also impacts everyone around them, too. They are trying to minimise the casualties and would prefer if you took a step back when things get too hard.
- Know that you’re doing the best that you can do, and that your friend is extremely thankful for you.