How to Become Tough

Watch The Avengers. Then decide that if Black Widow makes tough glamorous, so can you. Start Basic Training 101: Physical. Abs are made in the kitchen, so prepare for exercise by gorging on all the junk food in the house to prevent temptation later. Decide to lift weights. All of the cute guys are at the gym anyway. Day one: drop the hot pink 10 lb. weights. Day two: drop the fuschia 5 lb. weights. Day three: drop the 3 lb. baby pink weights. According to that one blog by that one chick who suggested spinach smoothies, three days of weightlifting equals a day of rest. Conveniently “forget” the green smoothies and that a day off means cardio rather than Netflix. Watch Avengers again. Find your mojo. Decide that flexibility courses are way more Black Widowesque. Strut into water aerobics the first day, feeling good. After all, none of the senior citizens in here have any idea they are in the presence of a professional weight lifter. Conclude that flexibility increases with age, allowing everyone else to resemble choreographed dolphins passing a drowning squid. Obviously, the fact that you understood 6.25% of the ninja moves qualifies you to move on to Basic Training 102: Mental.

Tough girls always find the obvious and logical solutions. You should Google games to increase problem solving skills. Grand Theft Auto pops up. Decide it’s about time tough girl broke a few rules. “Borrow” your brother’s video game. Brag that you obtained it with black hoodie and crowbar rather than asking permission. Your brother starts laughing when you tap at his bedroom door before entering to announce all your progress after an exhausting hour and seventeen minutes. Apparently passing level one is not a huge accomplishment. Apparently he completed it in five minutes tops. Apparently he could have beaten your top score at four years old. Forget the original blackmail plan and sneak the game back into the cabinet. Do not worry, you are still tough. Decide that the time you set off a candy apple red car’s alarm and ran away totally counted as grand theft auto. You pass Training 102 with the flying colors of your pink fluffy boots and Piglet blanket. Now, Basic Training 103: Emotional.   

The course begins with a challenging assignment. You watch rescue animal commercials on repeat until you do not cry more than seventeen tears. Careful, you are almost approaching cold hearted. Next task: let your puppy’s copper eyes melt your soul but do not acknowledge him as he stares at your parmesan and tomato basil sausage. Drop to your knees after two minutes and eleven seconds and feed him the rest, showering him with hugs and pats and treats to ensure his forgiveness for your heartlessness. Try to make it to two minutes and seventeen seconds tomorrow. Fail. Decide to begin a “___ Days Since Last Emotional Accident” chart on the wall. Change the purple glitter from Days to Hours. Give up when you remember that Professor Lupin died while his son was still an infant. Cry for fifty-four minutes. Decide you deserve some stupid credit for not bawling for an hour. Congratulations! You have completed your tough girl degree. Award yourself with homemade brownies straight from the oven and an evening in kitty cat pajamas and bunny slippers. Girl, you tough.