This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at Duke chapter.
To the Grown Man I used to love,
I want to go back to when I first met you at Wendy’s. I remember helping you clock in at work. As I look back, I wish I had taken that next order and just let the managers help you. But for some reason, before I even knew you, I wanted to be there for you. Maybe it was your wild hair, your full lips, or your soft brown eyes. Whatever it was, I was drawn to you.
You and I were like two magnets. We collided into each other’s lives with so much force. It shook me to my core. I was so young and naive. I craved the adrenaline that seeped through your atmosphere. You were an electric shock. Awakening my each and every sensation as your hands inched across my body and your words traced across my mind. I was overwhelmed by the intensity of our connection. Because, surely, something so intoxicating could only keep you good spirits for so long. I thought it was going to be something short term. Mostly sexual. I was still up for the excitement and the adventure. Because the way your hands held me, your lips touched me, and your eyes saw me made me feel alive.
You were a sexual awakening. Ringing through my body like an alarm clock. I was wide awake and ready to have my curiosity thoroughly satisfied. I never did come to understand how we would work because I didn’t know that we never should and we never would. But, at the time, I thought you felt so good. You were intoxicating.
When you told me you love me, I started to sober up. I was shocked and a little nervous because it’d only been a few months. You seemed so sincere that I actually believed you. I agreed to dive deeper into our boundless connection. I wanted to know what love is. I was so drunk off you that I didn’t see the bullshit seeping from your atmosphere. I kept blindly stumbling through this excitement and adventure,thinking that you loved me.
As my father always said, that’s why I don’t get paid to think. Our connection was one of the many, many things that I did not think through properly. Our first kiss might have been sweet with your lips were so soft, so comforting. But you were a wolf in sheep’s clothing. You whispered sweet (but meant nothing) things into my ear as your hands groped me. Telling me how good I felt, how soft my thighs were, and telling me everything you wanted to do to me. I thought that was love. It was lust. And you were the wrong person to trust.
At first, you wanted to make love.You wanted to buy roses, a room, chocolate, and all that other romantic shit. I accepted that little sentiment as a plan for the future because you had limited funds. You had high hopes for us and little to no cash flow. Still, I accepted you as you were, empty wallet and all.
This time last year, I was overdosing on your bullshit and getting drunk off my own self doubts. Wondering “why don’t you love me?” I gave up on the possibility of love. I blamed myself for being your pawn. I ran through sex like it was marathon. With nothing really to show at the end except ripped “papers.” I even crept back into your dark abyss. With the fruitless hope that I would find more than bullshit. I sustained from sex to rediscover my worth that you worked a number on. I mingled with a gentleman who restored my faith in love. Left that man to find the truest lover I could ever have. I have known this lover for a long time. But I always push her aside to find love, sex,or intimacy from someone else. I see her everyday when I look in the mirror. Because she is me.
I am the truest love that I will ever have. I am choosing to be caring and kind to myself in ways that you never did and never could. I will no longer question my worth because of you. I will raise from the ashes you left behind. Because my struggle with you was just a part of the climb. My future romantic partners will see how I love myself and follow suit––or get the boot.
No longer and never was yours,
Rahteesha Burgess
