Caught in a Mental Headlock

I crumbled beneath you.

I crumbled beneath you because I couldn’t stand next to you. I experienced diminishing self-worth when I felt you felt I felt bigger than I actually did. In fact, I felt quite small. You saw my deafening self-consciousness as self-involved. I saw it as my biggest challenge to learn how to cope with. You saw it as self-revolved. I saw it as a hurdle of self-loathing, a hinderance to loving you better. I wanted to love you better. I felt you watching me with eyes of distaste and from that, the more I distasted myself. The more ‘ self-involved’ I became. Watching my every move. Trying to catch me before you caught me catching me. Watching for my wrongdoings and my self-involvement. All the while becoming more of what you saw: ‘self-involved’. I can see it now as ‘self-involved’. I see it now as ‘you were right’. I see it now for its vicious cycle that fulfilled your watchful worry. I was crumbling. Criticizing my every move. I got lost in this confusion of proving you wrong. Of proving you right. Of changing myself. Changing myself to please you. But the only way to prove you wrong and to change myself for the better (what I thought you wanted to see of me) was to do more of what you didn’t want to see.

Following this? I barely could. I barely can. I got lost in the flow chart of how to please you. Not pleasing you. Knowing that we both saw the crumbling. Saw the confusion. I got lost. Forgetting that in all of this, I was not pleasing myself. Not respecting myself. Not allowing myself to just be. Not asking myself how I felt in this unnecessary attempt at becoming someone pleasing. It was unnecessary. But regardless, I got to that place. I ended up crumbling underneath of you. Underneath of myself. Because I didn’t allow myself to stand next to you. I hadn’t learned to stand next to me. I was meant to stand next to me.

I was meant to cherish me. To value me. To appreciate me. To allow me. I stand tall with myself. Taller than before. Not as tall as I know I can stand. But I am learning the continuous journey of self-love and tall standing - crumble free (crumble-less). Attempting to allow understanding of the self loathing and watchfulness that comes naturally. Allowing those feelings to come and show me my insecurities and areas of growth. A difficult journey but one of attempting more honesty with myself and forgiveness for all areas.

And reading back, while thinking to share this writing, I hear my mind telling me: ‘self-involved....’. But I am choosing (trying to choose) to take this reflection as growth and honest reflection. And this ‘flow chart’ above and self-learning above has given me so much pain in the past year that I am hoping that someone else might gain words for their confusion if they are going through anything similar. This odd snowball of whatever it was. What it is.

Our minds and natural (or learned) tendencies can take us to confusing places and confusing periods of time in our life. (However long the times may be... and whenever life chooses to bring them to you.) The words sometimes are the hardest part to find in a confusing, emotional situation. And once you have them, some clarity steps in. The words step in to guide you toward understanding and acceptance. Leading towards peace ... eventually. Almost. Closer to a peace. Closer to a forgiveness for yourself.

Sometimes your soul keeps you up at night until it finds the words it’s been holding in.