I did all the work — this was a sentence that I kept in my head as I faced the news that because of the pandemic, I could not go abroad for my junior year. But this couldn’t happen to me because I had these plans since high school. I found a university with long term programs, I maintained high grades to get into the program, passed the interview, got recommendations and even got a scholarship.
I did all the work. All that was left was waiting in excitement and bragging that I got into a world-class university in France. I was going to be spending my junior year of college in Paris.
Then, when COVID-19 spread globally, I was sure that there was no way it could affect my abroad plans because I had done everything, and there was nothing stopping me. With abroad programs getting cut left and right, I was constantly emailing my advisor asking when I would know.
I still had high hopes, searching for Parisian apartments, filling out my visa application and talking with potential roommates — a complete dissociation with my reality. I knew that COVID was real and a harmful threat to be taken seriously, but these were my plans and when you have plans you hold onto for years, it seems as though life could never be so cruel as to take them away.
But then came time to make a decision for myself. I signed a lease in Chicago and decided that the best for me right now is to take my classes from my French school online and wait until it is a safer and better time to be there. I took the deep breathes, brought myself back to reality and moved back to Chicago for a fall semester of abroad – online.
I reminded myself constantly that my trip being put off is not something to be complaining about during a pandemic. I am safe and healthy. Everyone’s life changed and was affected by this, some at a cost of their life.
I wish I could say that this reminder brought me perspective, that I realized my privilege and accepted my reality, but it didn’t. My sadness turned to anger and I was calling my mom frustrated and crying, that it’s not fair that I’m in this renowned university with students from all over the world and rather than hearing speakers ranging from political scientists, executives at Channel or the President of France, I’m on zoom at 3 in the morning trying to take notes in French class.
I also wish I could say that this has a happy ending where my plans changed but in the end, I was better off for it — but alas I can’t see that yet. I am still in the process of accepting that my plans changed, as we all are. The truth is that plans are ever changing and ever evolving as life goes on and we are not always in control.
This is a hard pill to swallow for all of us — that our work does not always equal the results we so strongly imagined. However, it is moments like this that make us better equipped to handle the next ups and downs of our lives. In my own experience through life’s complications, I’ve always worked with the phrase, “everything happens for a reason,” even if we can’t see it yet.
Although somewhat privileged, this idea works for me and is something I am currently using to help me through my process of accepting that my plans changed, and maybe that’s OK. So, if you are in the middle of processing change like me, I invite you to remember you’re not alone, that acceptance is not linear and that with it, comes ups and downs of happiness and doubt. Take a deep breath and keep moving forward, because eventually before you know it, you’ll be able to finally look back and have this change be in the past.