As some of you may know, I was recently accepted into Xavier University’s Masters of Health Services Administration program for the fall of 2019. With this news, as exciting as it was, I felt (and still feel) a bit fearful of the future. Four years ago, I was graduating high school and life seemed so vast–little did I know that before I could blink, I would be graduating from college. I have changed in so many ways–ways that I couldn’t even describe if you begged me to.
My years at Denison have shaped me into an independent thinker and, I would like to think, a kinder and more rounded individual. In spite of my personal growth during my undergraduate years, I am still a bit timid when it comes to accepting happiness for myself. To be honest, I feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, telling me that I in fact, will not be attending Xavier because something went wrong. I have made it all the way to the end, but rather than feeling full and joyous, I’m a bit shaken and scared. What if I don’t graduate? What if I forgot to take a class? What if I am not good enough? If I even make it across the stage to get my degree, l still have to take an accounting class this summer to fulfill a prerequisite. What if I don’t pass? What if I don’t get into a class?
All of these thoughts are constantly rolling around in my mind, as if I’m afraid to accept the happiness that I have earned. What makes me so special? Why did I get into the MHSA program? Why do I deserve this? It’s scary, knowing that I am actually taking the next step to practice as a healthcare administrator. After all this time and after dreaming all these dreams, I finally made it…that is terrifying.
I know, I should be jumping with joy and screaming to the rooftops, right? I mean, I am, but at the same time, I’m frightened that by doing so, I’ll somehow “jinx” myself. How could this all be real, you know? I’m also fearful that I won’t adjust to my new “home” in Cincinnati. I’ve grown up so close to home, close to my family, that moving two hours away seems daunting. Yet, I look around and I see my friends, people who are strong and happy, living 15 hours away from their families and they are doing just fine. Doesn’t that mean that I can do it, too? I have to believe that I will.
I’m so blessed, not only because I was accepted into my top program, but because I had the opportunity to attend college and further my education by applying for a master’s program. Not everyone is so lucky. As I sit here, writing this, reading my words aloud, I see that my fears, while I would consider them “normal” for a 21 year-old woman, are truly nothing to fear at all. Let’s say that the worst happens and I can’t attend my program because of some screw-up on my part. Well, even so, I still can say that I was blessed enough to attend a school where I learned to persevere and move forward.
I will move forward.
No matter what happens today, tomorrow, next month, or next year, I know that I am blessed.
And in the end, isn’t that all that matters?