If we begin to answer the intricate question of why grief remains misconstrued even as we approach progressive perceptivity regarding mental and emotional wellbeing, the biggest folly we shall ascertain would erupt not from our inability to attempt to understand it but from our facile ways of constructing it. Grief is modeled on a unilinear blueprint of ideal behaviors and it should show up as is a case in point of a social construct built based on a societal directory of unwritten rules regarding how, what, and when to grieve. Today, it takes the form of a fabricated unreality that must be properly discerned.
It’s a daunting certainty that even as we live through a worldwide pandemic, we aren’t equipped to acknowledge the various facets of grief. The first of the various norms that prevent this identification is the typification of grief through singular identical equations that apply standardly to events carrying the same degree of severity. Underlying this is the assumption that grief is felt in subtly balanced portions and looks alike for all individuals mourning the same loss. Hence, while the loss of life unquestionably qualifies as the severest grief-provoking event and thus can be grieved deeply, other events like financial and academic losses must be grieved less intensely. Not only does this push us to compare grief, it also propels us to belittle individual and community ordeals thus making it difficult for people to perceive their unique grief. It also forces many into the precarious pattern of constantly monitoring and suppressing emotional responses. Such a belief inevitably snatches people of their right to grieve.
Secondly, grief also derives its misconstruction from its binding with customs and rituals of the religions of a country as culturally vibrant as India. Wound up with these, it ceases to remain a profound feeling and gets chained with individual and group privilege. The Hindu funerary rites present a coherent example. Not only is loss of life in a person’s immediate environment detrimental to their well-being but the grief coupled with responsibilities of family life also make it burdensome for individuals to absorb their feelings before they’re forced by circumstances to move on. In that case, the prescription of Hindu rituals to customarily observe grief until thirteen days (terahvin) after the death shows how the vulnerable are ripped off the “right to grieve” through societal sanctions and judgments.
The layman’s explanation of grief pervades all aspects of human life and has reproduced itself with little or no changes across generations. The cinematic portrayal of grief in some of the most celebrated Bollywood films is reflective of a half-hearted attempt at imbibing the scope of a multi-faceted feeling. Consequently, aspects that have completely passed our gaze are that of delayed and absent grief. Just as most people are likely to be judged for ‘feeling too much’ or grieving an incident that is ‘unworthy of grief,’ they’re also likely to be judged for ‘feeling too little’ or ‘too late’.
As humans, while we’re highly susceptible to feeling the different forms and passing through the different phases of grieving, we’re also highly likely to be grief illiterate. Hence, while the support that many try to offer emanates from the right intention and genuine concern, a few basic suggestions can equip us to offer nuanced support. Firstly, we must comprehend that a grieving individual might possibly be awaiting a confidant and not a guide. So, try and mindfully listen to what the other person has to say. Secondly, realize that a grieving person may not always be able to tell you what they’d require. So instead of saying, “let me know if you need something,” list the tangible tasks you can do for the other person like helping them with assignments or procuring groceries. Additionally, try to give the grieving person their space while also ensuring that you don’t forget them and keep them in your prayers. Thirdly, appreciate every activity that a grieving person pulls themselves through for whether we realize or not, getting back on track can indeed be a strenuous task for them. Most importantly, acknowledge the other person’s loss and keep your research going to make them feel at ease. They’re mending their broken hearts and they shall do it.
Grief has exhibited itself in several forms amidst the COVID-19 pandemic and has resulted from several emotionally triggering events like loss of lives, academic, financial, professional and material losses, hopelessness, and fear regarding the future. While its manifestation has varied across divisions of class, sex, region, and age, it can be said with conviction that it has swayed most if not all lives within our country. For all those who are grieving, there’s no magic mantra that shall comfort you but please remember that you have the right to feel your grief in whatever way it may manifest.