I cannot communicate my remarks to you, for I do not know how to put into words how I feel for you. I don’t even know how deep my feelings go. It scares me how I give you absolute power over my heart. You could crush it at any second, but the chance of you loving and caring for you makes it worth the risk.
I feel as though I belong in an asylum for believing you could feel the same away towards me. Damn you for being so amazing. If only I were a clever woman, I would tell you how I feel and grab you and kiss you deep and long. I want to kiss you so. How I regret having so many opportunities to do so and not taking them. I feel as though you give me signs of reciprocating my feelings, but I do not know if I am right or if it is you being the nice guy that you are.
I think about one moment in particular over and over. It plays like a scene from a rom-com in my head all day long. I think about that night in my car, just sitting there, talking. You didn’t have to stay and wait with me. You purposely asked to come in my car with just me. You made that decision. You just sat in there, talking to me while we waited. You don’t know how much I wanted you to kiss me then. I thought this could be it. This could have been the moment where I was released from the prison of my mind and confirmed I was not insane and worthy of someone’s love.
But no. That did not happen. I am still stuck with confusion and doubt, still being hopelessly devoted to you. I drop hints, make jokes and play off my feelings. When you talk about other girls, my heart drops like an anvil onto a coyote.
But when you talk to me, when I hear your voice, I am lifted to my personal cloud 9. Everything in the world goes dark. There is a stage light around your face, and I remember why I love you. There is no pain, no struggling when I am with you. The felicity on my face is of course evident, but I can’t help it when I look into those baby blues. Those baby blues are like home, I feel safe and never want to leave them, even for a minute.
That’s why I want to make you mine. I want you to give you a home like you gave me. I want you to know how much you mean to me, how you are loved and that I could not live without you. The days where I don’t see you or hear from you are the hardest. Even when it’s only 5 minutes out of the day, it’s 5 minutes I wouldn’t trade for the world. If this were a cheesy rom-com, I would be standing out by your car with a boombox and some corny musical number where I’d profess my love.
If I was to tell you how I feel, I would probably give you a letter explaining how I feel and how much I care about you, telling you how I am the one for you. But I could never. What if you don’t feel the same way? I can’t risk losing you as a friend. I’d rather live in a world with you in my life and have you not know how I feel than live in a world where you know how I feel and l lose you. I am scared to lose you. I just want to see you be happy, and I believe I could make you happy.
I watch you pick the wrong girls, knowing you deserve better, and all I want to do is scream on the top of my lungs. I want to yell down the hallways for you to love me and to let me make you happy. I want to have that classic love story. I want to be your happy ending and you don’t even know it. My heart aches for you. My head spins with thoughts of you.
I will be your Cinderella if you are my Prince Charming. Please just don’t think of me as an ugly stepsister. I want to be the lead character of the movie, not the supporting role that is there for comedic relief. Be the light in the darkness of my life. Be the notification I want to see on my phone. Be the first person I talk to when I wake up and the last before I go to sleep. Be my friend. Be my love. Be with me.